


I Want to Wake Up Where You Are

by gettingaphdinlarry



Series: To Know Who I Am: The Diaries of Niall James Horan [3]
Category: Liam Payne (Musician), Niall Horan (Musician), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1990s, Alternate Universe - America, Alternate Universe - High School, Best Friends, Camping, Coming Out, Diary/Journal, Epistolary, First Love, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Loss of Virginity, Love, M/M, Minnesota, Period Typical Attitudes, Sex, Vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-10 05:41:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 45,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13496020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gettingaphdinlarry/pseuds/gettingaphdinlarry
Summary: Kissing Liam Payne has made Niall Horan feel more daring. It’s time to finally use that fake ID, and Niall’s ready to skip school, at least once.Kissing Liam has also made things more complicated. How can Niall and Liam date when nobody knows they’re together? Should they tell their friends? What about prom? (Oh, and what counts as sex, and how do you know when you’re ready for it, and is it really a good idea to share a tent with your hot boyfriend?)And then there’s the question that runs through it all, the one Niall wonders about the most: how should he say the words he keeps practicing in his head?With his journal by his side, Niall’s going to figure it out.





	I Want to Wake Up Where You Are

**Monday, January 11th, 1999**

I feel like I should name this journal. The Second Journal of Niall James Horan. This one certainly seems a little more serious than my first notebook, what with the leather and the embossed cover.

I’m not sure how to start this, feels weird. I’m the only person who will ever read this, but what if in the future someone finds this and I’m dead and they don’t know who anyone is?

Well. I guess they’ll have to figure it out, huh?

OK, so it’s not quite the start of the year (1999!), but it is the start of this journal, so I feel like I should put down some rules:

\- Write at least three times a week (that’s Johnson’s rule, and she doesn’t read this, but she does check it).  
\- Tell the truth in here. (As best I can.)  
\- Don’t let anyone read this.

That’s a good start, right?

 

**Tuesday, January 12th**

I cheated yesterday. When I finished my first journal, I said that I would have Liam by my side in this one, but I didn’t even say who he was. I don’t know why, probably because I don’t want to gush on in these pages.

(I’m lying. I said I’d tell the truth in here. All I want to do is gush.)

I finally kissed a ~~boy~~ man. Liam James Payne. (Same middle name, makes it easy to remember.) I kissed him in Duluth in my grandparents’ house and it involved Starburst candies and some Bailey’s Irish Cream and oh God, it was even better than I thought my first (real) kiss might be.

He’s got floppy brunette hair and golden brown eyes, and a birthmark on his neck that I just want to touch.

I slept over at his house last night (no, nothing happened) and we started making plans, so here are some of the things I want to do with him:

\- Go to a gay bar with our fake IDs  
\- Show him Lake Itasca, where the Mississippi River starts  
\- Ice skate on one of the lakes (he’s never been ice skating)  
\- Find our own Lake Superior agates instead of just buying them

And stuff we haven’t talked about but I hope we can do:

\- Introduce him to Sarah (my boss)  
\- Volunteer for something for the AIDS Project together (maybe their walk?)  
\- California with him one day  
\- Sex (eventually)  
\- Just hang out more (I know that probably sounds dumb, but it’s like we don’t even have to talk when we’re together, I just have a lot of fun with him.)  
\- Find something else special to do for prom (is it too early to think about prom?)

And stuff I want to do this year:

\- Figure out how to tell Harry I’m gay

 

**Friday, January 15th**

School went OK. We’re gearing up for all of our finals and the Fire and Ice dance is two weeks from tomorrow. It’s supposed to be an end of the term sort of thing (I wonder if it’s supposed to be a reward or something?), but with college applications due soon and the dance, and the teachers being all stressed out trying to cram everything we haven’t learned in the semester into this month, well… School’s kind of a mess.

In Johnson’s class we’ve been reading about people who live out their dreams, after we made our own personal bucket lists of 100 Things to do Before I Die. Kind of feels morbid (I’m only 17!), but I actually liked writing the list.

Johnson gave us a whole list of structured poetry forms, the stuff we’ve all heard of (haiku, again) and things I’ve never heard of. She’s letting us write basically whatever we want, but all I want to do is write love poems, and I don’t want her to read them.

It’s hard. Not being able to touch Liam in school, having to act normal, like nothing’s changed, when everything has changed.

Work Wednesday night was OK, not too fast or slow, and Sarah and I set up a schedule for the next few months so I can get back to volunteering at the AIDS Project. I’m going next Saturday. Liam hasn’t started volunteering anywhere yet.

I have to work tomorrow, but Sunday I have off to work on my college applications. I still really want to go to Mac, but Mom says we can’t afford it and I’ll probably have to go to the U.

I want to ask Liam where he’s applying to school but I feel weird asking. It would have been fine a month ago, but now I wonder if he’ll think I’m asking for myself or something.

Is it always like this? Trying to figure out what to say and what not to say? In some weird way it felt easier before, when I didn’t know he liked me back.

 

**Sunday, January 17th**

Well. I don’t know what to write about for my college essay. I don’t know what to say. There are two prompts, one asking what I want to do in the future and one telling me to talk about what makes me unique. I’m a white boy in the Midwest. The thing that makes me unique, I can’t talk about, because nobody else knows.

And the future? I don’t know what I want from the future. I want a Snickers bar and a cheeseburger right now. I want to live somewhere else and travel and eventually get a job I don’t hate, but I’m 17, I don’t have any damn idea what I want to do in the future.

I guess I’m just supposed to make shit up.

I want to write books.

I’m thinking maybe I should have listened to my parents and done some more activities in school. But they’re boring and I hate sports.

Ugh. Nobody’s going to accept me into college.

 

**Monday, January 18th (MLK Day)**

We didn’t have school today because it’s a holiday. Harry invited us over to his house and we hung out all day watching movies and playing video games. We got some Little Caesars pizzas and it was almost like normal.

I admit it, I miss being friends with Harry like we used to be, most of the time.

But then he started talking about taking Rebecca to the dance and it just got weird because he kept asking if I was OK with it and if Liam was OK with it. Liam laughed and said he didn’t care and Louis got really quiet and I didn’t know what to say.

I picked Liam up and gave him a ride home. I wanted to drive around for a while to have some time to talk to him, to kiss him, but then we stayed too long at Harry’s and we both had to get home.

 

**Thursday, January 21st**

I feel like I don’t write about the other guys enough in here, but school is so boring, the same thing every day it feels like, and sometimes I don’t know what to write about. Like today, lunch? Zayn was all stressed out about the one-act plays, Harry was trying to brainstorm a list of questions to ask people about the school dance for the newspaper and Louis was taking a bunch of pictures. Liam was trying to do some history homework he’d forgotten about. I wanted to work on some creative writing, but I was afraid someone would see what I was doing, so instead I got started on some math homework.

Nothing interesting about that.

 

**Friday, January 22nd**

We’re still working on structured poems in Johnson’s class and I hate it all. Since she didn’t do structured poetry last time I took her class, I don’t think she’ll let me do another project instead of this. I want to write free verse.

Liam says he likes it though, having rules I mean, says it helps him organize his thoughts. I tried thinking like that, thought it might help me like these forms of poetry, but my thoughts just went “kiss him, touch him, whisper something to him” and that didn’t help.

 

**Saturday, January 23rd**

Liam called me last night and asked me if anything was wrong. I wanted to tell him I missed him but it sounded stupid so I told him I was stressed out about college applications, which was right. I’m volunteering today, and I told him I’d call him tonight.

**Later**

Shamika and Tom were both at the AIDS Project today. Even though it was only my second time there, Shamika yelled my name when I came in and introduced me to another person, Violet. Before I got started doing any work we all sat around and chatted for a bit. They’re gearing up for the AIDS Walk in May and were talking about sending out registrations and t-shirts and that sort of thing. They asked if I could come in next month and I said yeah, now that the holidays are over, it’s easier.

They asked me if I would organize the library, since I work at a bookstore. I should have been suspicious when Tom looked thrilled at the fact I said yes. Then he brought me to a small room with some shelves and… boxes of books. Just boxes and boxes of books.

I thought the library needed reorganization. Turns out it needs to be created.

I told him I didn’t think I’d be able to get it done in a day—it was hundreds of books!—and he said it was OK and said it was up to me how I organized it all. I asked him for a clipboard and then looked at everything.

I started making two piles, one of fiction and one of non-fiction, writing down some themes as they came up. History, coming out, gay fiction, lesbian fiction, that sort of thing. I tried not to get distracted, but there were a few books I flipped through because they looked so good. I know I work at a bookstore, and Sarah wouldn’t say anything about what I bought, but I don’t know where I’d put them.

I was sitting on the floor, surrounded by books, when Shamika came in and asked if I’d brought lunch. I told her I had and she told me to take a break. We went to the main room and I got my stuff from the fridge. Tom and Violet had gone out to lunch so it was just the two of us.

She asked how my holidays were and I blurted out, “I kissed a guy.” Then I covered my mouth like… I don’t even know why. It’s not like I said anything wrong?

Shamika told me congratulations and asked if I wanted to talk about it.

Well I guess I needed to talk because I just went on and on about how hard it is to not get to touch Liam when we’re in school and how I can’t even tell my parents about him because I’m not ready and I want to show him off but can’t.

Shamika didn’t really say much, just nodded a lot and said she understood. She asked if Liam was ignoring me, and I said no, and she said that the first girl she kissed flat out ignored her in school, but then talked to her in private. She said she was happy we weren’t doing that to each other.

I asked her what I should do and she answered the way I knew she would—she said I need to talk to him.

I told her I didn’t know what to say, and she said it was OK, because I’d figure it out.

I spent the rest of the afternoon sorting through books.

Now I need to call Liam.

**Even Later**

We’re seeing each other tomorrow.

 

**Sunday, January 24th**

I got to see Liam today, and I finally got to kiss him again.

I asked him if he wanted to go ice skating because he’s never done it. It was pretty nice, in the 20s. It’s been in the low 30s for a few days, but the lakes are still frozen. I went to his house to pick him up and his mom told me he was in his bedroom.

I haven’t been to his house since I slept over a few weeks ago. As soon as I got into his room he closed the door and kissed me. I wanted to stay there and kiss him forever. We kissed a whole bunch and then he said we should probably go before his mom wondered why it was taking so long to change.

After making sure he picked a coat that he could move in, we drove down to Lake of the Isles. We rented skates and checked our bags and laced up at the benches. Then we had to stand up and walk.

We managed to get down to the ice without Liam killing himself, and then we spent a lot of time walking. Well, standing first, learning to balance, then walking, short little steps. He held my arm and we laughed the whole time and only fell a few times and I’m pretty sure we barely did any actual skating.

After an hour or so, we took a break. He waited on the bench and I went and bought some hot cocoa for us. I’m sure it was just Swiss Miss but it tasted fine and it was so hot I burnt my tongue.

We tried skating a little more after that, but then a family with young kids came and the father kept giving us funny looks and our jeans were damp and cold and we decided to leave. So we didn’t get much skating done at all—I think I forgot how hard learning is—but we got to spend the afternoon together, and that’s what I wanted.

When we were done, we had some lunch in Uptown. It was a little bakery and it wasn’t as comfortable as being as being at that gay café, Café Zev, but it was Uptown, so it still felt like I could lean across the table and touch his hand.

I took Liam home and his mom asked if I wanted to stay for dinner. I called Mom and she said it was fine, and his mom offered to throw my clothes in the dryer. I borrowed some sweat pants and a t-shirt from Liam and he asked me what was wrong.

I got really angry all of a sudden. Ugh. I hate that. I think he thought I was mad at him. I said I wanted to be able to be normal with him, and it was hard in school, having to act “normal” with him.

Like… He’s my… well, I don’t know what he is. (Are we boyfriends? Is it too early for that word?) But I have to act like we’re just friends, and we’re not. That’s the part I told him, about how it was hard to act like friends when we’re not, and how I’m afraid Zayn and Louis will figure something out.

He gave me a big hug and just… held me for a bit.

I felt so safe right there, even though I was a little afraid his mom or dad might show up.

We sat down on his bed and he held my hand and said he understood, because it was hard with Scott. He started talking about doing something next week during the dance, just a date for the two of us where we can be ourselves.

I don’t know what else we really talked about… I just know I felt better, and when we had dinner with his family, I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all.

 

**Tuesday, January 26th**

It’s finals week, the dance is Saturday, Zayn’s one-act plays are the week after that, Louis is frustrated with some double exposure experiment he’s doing, Harry’s stressed because Rebecca wants some big romantic evening, and we’re all freaked out about college apps.

I finally just started writing essays about how I want to be an author, and how I work in a bookstore because I want to learn as much as I can about all aspects of the business. I hope that helps explain why I don’t do school activities.

What am I supposed to say? My family needs me to work a little so we can breathe easily? I don’t like to talk about that.

 

**Wednesday, January 27th**

Liam is… something else.

I got to my locker after math class and found a note on top of my books. It just said, “Miss you, can’t wait for this weekend.” It wasn’t signed (of course) and I was confused until I remembered this weekend we’re going on a date.

I kept the note in my pocket and I kept touching it all day long. Every time I thought of it, my stomach went warm and tingly.

At lunch I mouthed ‘thank you’ when nobody else was looking. He just smiled at me.

OK, gotta get ready for work!

 

**Saturday, January 30th (Fire and Ice dance)**

Liam told me to dress “clean and neat” and to have my fake ID. Oh dear God, where the hell is he taking me?

(Work was fine. Sarah wanted to know how Liam was. I told her I’d invite him over sometime this week.)

**Later**

Ahhhhh! It’s so late and I’m so tired and I can’t believe Mom and Dad didn’t ask me more questions, and I need to go to sleep, but God, tonight was crazy fun. We went to the Gay Nineties nightclub and the whole way there I wasn’t sure we should go and Liam told me to act cool (but I’m not cool!) and I didn’t know how to not laugh nervously when we got our IDs checked, so I just held his hand and leaned against his shoulder and tried to copy what he did.

Inside the club was pretty packed and it was… so many guys. Guys and more guys and shirtless guys (and a few girls, I think most of them were gay though).

It was like going to Café Zev—I was wound up at first, almost like I couldn’t relax, and I was afraid I was staring at people, but then by the end I felt like I could breathe. I felt like I could touch Liam, like I didn’t have to hide him.

We danced and we watched people and people looked at us, and we drank Cokes and I got so sweaty and tired. I didn’t even realize that the music and flashing lights gave me a headache until we finally left.

It was chilly outside, but the air felt good on my skin because it was so warm in the club with all of the people. Liam touched my lower back and walked me to my car, and then pressed me against it and kissed me and I felt… normal.

Mom had told me my curfew was midnight, and if I was going to be home later to call. It was nearly midnight, and we hadn’t eaten anything, so we drove to Perkins and used the pay phone to call our parents. They were both fine with us being out (OK, so that’s a benefit of having to hide, I guess) and we ordered a bunch of appetizers and drank gallons of pop and split some French silk pie.

It felt like another date.

OK, my eyes are crossing and it’s hard to write so I’m going to finish tomorrow.

 

**Sunday, February 1st**

So when we were eating, we talked about colleges. I was nervous to ask Liam where he was applying because, well, I don’t want him to leave… I was surprised to find out he’s only applying to local schools. I thought he’d want to go back to California. I mean I know he said he wasn’t sure he wanted to, and that he didn’t miss it anymore, but he also isn’t used to the cold here, and maybe he’d want to leave his family? I told him that and he looked away and said something about how after moving so much, he wants one place to feel like home for more than two years at a time.

I told him I wanted to go to Mac but that my family can’t really afford it and I don’t think I can get many scholarships. He asked why I wanted to go there and I said because I wanted to go to a smaller college. And everyone goes to the U. He said the U is a good school, so that would still be OK. I don’t know, maybe he’s right.

He’s worried that his transcript is a mess from different states and schools. I said I’m worried because I work instead of doing school activities. He reminded me that I can write that down, that I’ve closed the store, that I’ve volunteered (even if it’s only twice so far and everyone has to get hours for graduation) and that I’ve had my work published in the school’s lit magazine.

He said he needs to start volunteering and asked if it would be weird if he volunteered with me. He knows Sarah signed my papers for me, and said he was pretty sure his parents wouldn’t care. I said my only worry was if his mom talked to my mom. But he said he didn’t need to tell her I was volunteering there, too. That made me realize I’m not sure how I’m going to tell them I’ve been volunteering. I didn’t think that through. Hmm. (I’ll just keep hiding it!)

We talked about other stuff, too, but I’m happy (relieved? thrilled? hopeful?) that Liam wants to stay in Minnesota.

I want him to stay here, too.

 

**Monday, February 2nd**

And a new semester starts. Since I have enough credits due to taking that goddamn 6:45 am class every year except this one, Johnson’s letting me do her class again, and since Liam already did Poli Sci and Econ in his old school, he’s got permission to take the class, too. Thank God for Ms. Johnson, one of the few teachers in this school who will go to bat for students. She wrote one of my letters of recommendation, too. She gave me the sealed copies and then gave me an unsealed copy in case I wanted to read it.

I admit, I teared up. It was really nice to see what she had to say about me. It felt like it was actually written for me, too, not just a generic one.

I need a letter from my guidance counselor and he can’t guide his way out of a box, but whatever. I think that one is mostly like, “He takes hard classes, this is his weighted GPA.”

Rebecca’s no longer in my math class since the schedule changed, which is a goddamn relief, but Harry’s in my Econ class. Maybe that will make things easier, actually. We can have something else to talk about.

Louis called me this afternoon and asked if I wanted to hang out this week. So Friday we’re going to go to the arcade at the mall together.

 

**Wednesday, February 3rd**

Sarah was in a talkative mood at work today. I was ripping the covers off the magazines and she was just chattering away about this new guy she met. I don’t think Sarah’s ever talked so much about her personal life before.

Also, she asked me if I need to get off early on Valentine’s Day. I said I didn’t know.

Oh God, do I need to get a Valentine’s Day gift?

 

**Thursday, February 4th**

I got another note in my locker today. “Thinking of you. This weekend?”

In Johnson’s class I traded a note back for Starbursts. I wrote that I was seeing Louis on Friday and working Saturday, but Sunday was open.

I’m going to ask Mom if he can spend the night.

 

**Saturday, February 6th**

OK, so where to start. Louis, I’ll start with Louis.

We went to the mall after school last night, grabbed some food at the food court, then went down to the arcade together. He always kicks my ass at air hockey, but I’m really good at skee-ball and I got a ton of tickets from that. We pooled our tickets together and bought stupid things like candy and stickers and super balls and temporary tattoos and I am 17 years old, what am I supposed to do with temporary tattoos? (Maybe give them to my cousins or something?)

We wandered around the mall and just went wherever we wanted to. It’s been a while since just the two of us hung out alone and it was a lot of fun. We found a corner of the mall where some of the shops have closed and we started whipping our super balls around to see how many times they’d bounce off the walls, floor, and ceiling without falling lower than the height of our waists. We got the balls going pretty quickly but then someone came through that entrance and almost got hit so we grabbed our balls and ran before the security guards decided to pay attention to us. (“You’ll shoot your eye out!”)

Near the end of the night, when the mall was finally closing and we were walking out to the car, he said it seemed like Liam was the closest to me out of all of the guys. I’m glad I was driving and couldn’t really look at him, because I started to get a weird feeling that he knows something is up. (I am trying so hard to be normal!)

He didn’t say anything bad, it was just… If Liam went to another school or wasn’t friends with Louis or something, I would be so excited to tell him what’s going on, but Liam does go to our school and he is friends with Louis. I told Louis that Liam is used to always having to meet new people because of moving so much, so maybe that makes him a little shy.

Louis changed the subject after that—there’s another girl he likes. Shocking.

Now, as for Liam—he’s coming over for dinner and a sleepover in an hour. Mom’s making lasagna and a salad (my favorite!) but I am worried my room is a disaster. Ugh. I need to clean it up, but I worked today and don’t have much time to make it look good. (Which reminds me—I need to find out about Valentine’s Day since Sarah wants to know if I can close up.)

(Also, how long can we sleep in one bed without one of us expecting something to happen? I’m horny as fuck but I’m really scared (not sure that’s the right word) to do something with him. I don’t know why. I need to think about it.)

 

**Sunday, February 7th**

I remember when Harry and I were younger and we had Saturday sleepovers, we would always go to church the next morning. Didn’t matter if we were at his house or my house or what, but church, no matter what.

Since I finally convinced my parents I don’t want to go to church, they let me sleep in. They usually go about twice a month, and this morning was one of the mornings they went, so Liam and I had the house to ourselves for a little while.

Dinner last night was nice, even though Mom and Dad were really focused on colleges. When Liam said he would be happy going to the U, Mom just raised an eyebrow at me. Dad asked Liam a lot about what it was like to live all over the place. Liam made my dad laugh with his stories, and I felt so proud of him. I don’t know why.

Also, we sat across from each other and he kept touching my foot with his and nobody noticed and it made my legs feel gooey.

After dinner we went up to my room and watched some TV. Since my bed’s a twin, Mom gave me the air mattress and a bike pump. We took turns pumping it up while watching America’s Most Wanted, then we both sat on it to watch TV.

We brushed our teeth and put on our pajamas and made popcorn while the news was on. Gwyneth Paltrow was hosting Saturday Night Live. They had Barenaked Ladies, who did their song “It’s All Been Done.” I wanted to see them do “One Week” but they only did one song. Liam knew all the words again. He kept singing the “whoo ooh oohs” in my direction, which made me laugh.

We had a huge bowl of microwave popcorn (two bags) and some purple cows (well, purple for me—I like grape pop, but he used root beer in his float, so I guess it was a brown cow for him), and Liam had brought Starburst, of course.

At about the halfway point of the show we quit (pretending?) to watch it and just started kissing more and more. Then he reached up to touch my cheek and accidentally smudged my glasses with his buttery thumb. I took them off to make it easier to kiss him. (And then I didn’t have to pretend to watch the show at all because I couldn’t even see it. It was great!)

His lips tasted salty from the popcorn and my breath probably smelled like grape pop.

We kind of sank lower and lower on the air mattress until we were half sitting up and half leaned over, making out. The air mattress wasn’t that really comfortable, but I didn’t realize it until the credits finally rolled and I got up to turn the TV off. Then I could feel how sore my shoulder was from me propping myself up on it.

I was a little afraid of Mom and Dad hearing us, so I turned on the radio, low enough that it wouldn’t bother them, but would hopefully muffle any noises. I also turned off the overhead light and left only the light on my nightstand on. And I locked the door.

I think I was a little nervous about what would happen once the lights were off. Because Liam’s more experienced than me, even if he’s only had one boyfriend before (and are we even boyfriends?) and I want to take things slow and be sure and I’m scared of not being good enough for him.

He’s lived all over and he’s met so many people and I’ve lived here my whole life and he likes me? For real?

In the dimmer light, Liam looked a little sharper, at the edges of his cheeks, but then he grinned and somehow he looked softer, like it was all new for him, too.

I gave him the pillows off my bed and spread the blanket over us. We made out a lot longer and God… it felt so good. I kept touching his back and he touched my stomach and I swear I quit breathing. His skin was so soft and warm and I didn’t want to let go of him.

I kept getting hard and he did too and I wanted to touch it but I couldn’t, I was too scared. Instead we just kept “bumping” against each other, just barely touching for just a second through our clothes.

I asked him if we were going to do something for Valentine’s Day and told him Sarah wanted me to close up shop. He said he had been thinking about it too, but he wasn’t sure where we could go and if our parents would think it was weird. He suggested we do something on Friday night instead and then maybe have coffee at the shop next to the bookstore when it was closed. We decided not to exchange gifts. (Thank God, because I’m stuck!)

I wanted to know how he thought of giving me notes in my locker and he covered his face and asked if it was silly. I kissed the back of his hand and told him it was sweet. He said, “I can’t talk to you the way I want to in school, but I thought maybe I could on paper.”

Then I had to kiss him because, well, what other answer was there?

He makes little noises in the back of his throat when we kiss and he touches my cheek and I feel like I’m melting under him.

I’m not even sure when we fell asleep, but when I woke up this morning the sun was streaming through the windows and there was a spot of drool near Liam’s chin and he was snoring a tiny bit. I didn’t want to wake him up, but I really had to pee.

When I went to the bathroom I ran into Mom putting on her face. She told me they were going to church and I was in charge of breakfast and then she left, running late.

I pissed and washed my face and pulled my t-shirt down and saw a big purple spot from Liam.

I’m just glad she didn’t see it.

We made French toast for breakfast and Liam danced around to the radio and it felt like the whole house was all ours and I wondered if that’s what it would be like if we were roommates in college.

I really like him. A lot.

Even just writing about him makes my whole body tingly.

I wonder if everyone feels like this?

 

 **Tuesday** , **February 9th**

Shit. Zayn’s one-act plays are this weekend. Of course he expects us to be at opening night Friday. I don’t know how I forgot. They’re even advertising the show as “a great Valentine’s Date.”

I want to get my college applications in the mail on Friday.

I put a note in Liam’s locker today. It said, “I liked seeing you this weekend.”

I didn’t sign it.

In Johnson’s class, Liam flipped open his notebook so I could see he had the note folded into it. I couldn’t help but smile.

 

**Wednesday, February 10th**

Sarah’s excited I’m closing the store Sunday, but wants to know why I still haven’t brought Liam in. Ha.

Also, I finished my college applications.

 

**Friday, February 12th**

OK, the one-acts were really good. We (I can say we, right?) went with Harry and Louis and then went out with the cast afterwards, just like last time. So it wasn’t the date we wanted (which we decided to do next week), but it was actually fun.

When we got to the restaurant most of the cast was there but Louis ordered everyone to move and sit somewhere else until four seats were in a row. He told Liam to sit at the end of the table and then he pushed me into the chair next to Liam and he sat next to me.

I can’t decide if Louis thinks we’re together or if he just thinks we should be or what.

It was fun, but I felt like I looked at Liam too much. I couldn’t help it though.

 

**Sunday, February 14th**

Liam came to work for the last half hour, and stayed in the store while I closed up and counted out the cash and locked it up. I know I could do it alone, I did when Sarah’s sister was sick, but it was nice to have someone else there. Sometimes it feels a little eerie being there alone after closing.

We went next door to the coffee shop but we didn’t really think about how busy it would be on Valentine’s Day. As soon as we walked in, Liam whispered, “Doesn’t that girl go to our school?”

Sure enough, in the corner table there was a girl—a junior I think. I said we should leave and Liam laughed and punched me hard on the shoulder, then tugged on my jacket sleeve so I nearly tripped. He ordered two coffees for us to-go and he jostled me on the way back to the car. I was confused at first, until we got into the car and he explained it.

“I’m sorry. That probably looked so fake,” he said. “I just wanted to look like ‘friends.’” He said it like a big deflated balloon.

I said, “I didn’t think we’d see someone there.”

“I know, me neither. I’m sorry.”

I said it wasn’t his fault, but I didn’t know what to say after that.

I started driving, even though I didn’t know where I was going. We drove away from the city, south a little, until we found some cornfields. I drove around in the dark, the snow covering all of the old fields, and we talked about the comic strips we liked and Liam told me he still reads Calvin and Hobbes every day. We talked about our favorite books and hiking and Lake Superior and my school trip to Wolf Ridge Nature Center when I was a kid. I told him I got to pull apart an owl pellet and he told me about polishing rocks with his sister when he was younger. He talked about going to the San Diego Zoo and some little deer-like animal that doesn’t need any water other than what it gets from leaves.

We found the Minnesota River and drove along it for a bit until I found a little outlook for us to park at. We pushed our seats back and just kept talking. He talked more about Ruth, his sister. He said she stayed in California for the same reason he wants to stay in Minnesota—she was tired of moving, plus she had started college already. He said that he pretends she really annoys him, but that he misses her, because he can talk to her about things he can’t talk to his parents about.

I asked if he ever told her he was gay, and he said no, the only person who knew was Scott. He said he thought she’d be OK with it, but that Scott knew people who thought their siblings would be OK and they weren’t.

I told him about what Louis said at the mall, and how Louis said he thinks Liam’s the closest to me in the group.

Liam just said, “Well, it’s true, you’re my boyfriend.”

I said “oh, am I?” before I could help it. I was so surprised he used that word. I mean, I’ve been thinking it… but to hear it…

Liam said really quickly, “If you want to be, I mean.”

I looked around—like there was anyone else out when we hadn’t even seen very many cars—and nuzzled his neck and kissed him and nodded.

He squeezed my upper arm and kissed my forehead.

I don’t know why that felt so good.

We talked and held hands and kissed until it was finally late enough we had to leave. I didn’t want to drop him off at home.

Happy Valentine’s Day, even if we’re the only ones who know.

We don’t have school tomorrow. Zayn invited us over to his place.

 

**Monday, February 15th, Presidents’ Day**

At breakfast this morning Mom asked me if I was OK. I said yeah and she said I seemed kind of distant and out of it, like when I get a fever. She touched my head and made me stick out my tongue (I wonder what she was looking for) and asked if everything was OK with school.

What am I supposed to say?

“Hey Mom, remember when you let me bring Liam to Duluth? Well, I had a huge crush on him, because I’m gay, and we kissed and now he’s my boyfriend, and no we’re not having sex so relax, but I really like him and he’s so great, please don’t be angry.”

It’s Presidents’ Day. We’re all going to Zayn’s, then probably the Mall of America. I wish it was just Liam and me, but it’ll be OK.

 

**Tuesday, February 16th**

Harry and I have to work together on a project for Econ class, with a couple of other people I don’t know very well. One of them made a joke about Harry and Rebecca. I guess they’re dating officially. I asked Louis and Zayn if they knew at lunch, before Harry got there, and they both knew. Liam didn’t know, either.

I was really hurt.

Which is stupid, because I haven’t told Harry about me, but what reason does he have? My reason is good.

 

**Friday, February 19th**

Liam and I were going to have our date tonight, but he got sick after lunch today and went home early. It was weird in Johnson’s class without him. Even though we don’t have assigned seats, we always sit together, and it felt cold without him next to me. She even joked that my best friend was gone.

I called him to tell him what we did in class (group writing, it was a little weird), but his mom said he was sleeping and she’d tell him I called.

I’m volunteering at the AIDS Project tomorrow.

 

**Sunday, February 21st**

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write down what happened at the AIDS Project yesterday, mostly because I want to kill Tom and Shamika (ha!) but I think I need to because writing helps me think.

I got there and helped fold mailers for the AIDS walk. It was tedious and boring but it made it easy to chat. There was another high school student there, Chelsea, who was talking about how her parents found love letters from her girlfriend. They’re sending her to therapy and making her talk to her pastor. She snuck over to the Project to get to be around people like her. I didn’t really know what to say, I just listened. Shamika gave her some hotline numbers and asked when she was graduating, if there was a way for her to go away for school…

It made me really wonder about telling my parents. I don’t think they’d do anything like that, but what if they did? Where would I go? What if Liam’s parents did that? Could I stay with Louis or Zayn? Or would their parents side with my parents? Ugh. I don’t want to think about it.

OK, on to more fun stuff.

Chelsea ended up leaving after lunch. During lunch, Shamika asked how Liam was. Tom asked her who that was, and she raised an eyebrow at me. I said “my boyfriend” and Tom teased me, said that I was blushing. I didn’t need him to tell me. I could feel it. I covered my face and just shook my head. I told them a little more about him and I could feel myself smiling the whole time.

That was the first time I got to describe him as “my boyfriend” to someone else.

OK, and then… After lunch we finished folding the mailers, so I got to work on the library again. Someone else had come in and straightened up my piles, but nobody else had done any work. I went back to sorting through the stuff, fiction in one pile, nonfiction in another. Then I put all of the fiction in boxes in the corner and started sorting through the nonfiction to see what themes I could come up with.

Shamika and Tom came in to see how I was doing. Shamika said they didn’t want to embarrass me (which is a sign you’re about to be embarrassed) and then handed me a safe sex bundle. It’s like a birthday party gift bag except… for sex.

I am sure I looked horrified.

I practically shouted, “We’re not having sex!” Which made me feel super immature. Ugh. (Both the not having sex part and the shouting part, I guess, but mostly the shouting.)

Right then the phone rang and Tom left to take the call. I apologized to Shamika for yelling and said I didn’t know why I yelled but I’m freaked out and don’t know how to talk to Liam. She asked me if Liam was pressuring me into having sex and I said no that wasn’t it at all, but I was scared of everything hurting and doing things wrong and that I know where things go but I’m not sure how they get there.

She got down on the floor with me and asked me what my piles were and helped me sort. She asked if I wanted Tom to talk to me or if she could answer my questions or if I didn’t want to talk at all. I thought about it, and for some reason it felt safe talking to her, like she’s a big sister and won’t judge me or something. (Not that I think Tom would, but it felt easier talking to a lesbian. I don’t know why.)

Shamika asked me how I define sex, which I thought was weird, but when I hesitated she asked me if I thought that gay men always had anal sex. I told her I hated that phrase because it sounded so clinical, so she laughed and asked if she could call it butt sex, and then that sounded ridiculous, too, but in a funny way.

I said yeah, that’s what “counted,” and Shamika patted my hand and said no, sex was much more than sticking something in something else. She started talking about blow jobs and hand jobs and touching and kissing and—I don’t know why, but it didn’t sound so scary when she said that yes, blow jobs and hand jobs were sex, too.

She talked about the safe sex stuff and showed me the different condoms and lubes in the safe sex kit. She told me a million times that nothing should hurt, and then she said that it was most important that I felt comfortable. And that sometimes we forget about the emotions in sex. She said sex is fun and you can have sex with someone you don’t love, and you can love someone without sex, or have both in one person, but that no matter what, you shouldn’t feel pressured or shamed into it.

I told her I wasn’t worried about that, I was more scared about not knowing what to do.

She told me that you do what feels good, and everyone figures it out.

And she told me not to go by porn, because they aren’t regular people.

I asked her how she knew she was gay, and how she told her parents. She told me again about kissing a girl when she was in high school and then getting ignored and how that confused her. (It made me feel lucky!) Then she talked about her first girlfriend and her voice got kind of soft, and she said that she had assumed lesbian sex was all about going down on each other and then she found out it wasn’t. She said I’d do the same—find out what I liked.

I told her Liam might volunteer and she said he was more than welcome to come. Then we kept sorting through the books and she asked how school was going.

I feel a lot better after talking to her, but I know I need to talk to Liam, and I still don’t know how to bring that up.

Oh, and I hid the condom party bag inside my closet. I know. My closet. But it’s tucked behind the door frame, between the studs where they didn’t finish the wall when they built the house. It’s next to a pack of cigarettes I stole in eighth grade. Zayn and Louis and I all shared one and I got stuck with the rest of the pack. If nobody’s found the cigarettes, the condoms (and lube!) should be safe, too.

I’m really grateful Shamika talked to me. There’s nobody else I could talk to about this stuff.

 

**Monday, February 22nd**

Zayn is gearing up for the spring musical. He’s got to pass the torch on to the juniors, teach them how to run things. It’s stressing him out, and he was all moody during lunch.

 

**Wednesday, February 24th**

Sarah was floating on air today at work. I asked her what was up, and I guess her dating life is going well. She kept singing and bought me coffee and she asked if I’d had dinner yet. When I said a light one, she ran out and got us some Little Caesars pizza.

Man, I love Little Caesars. The whole bookstore smelled like “Pizza! Pizza!”

 

**Thursday, February 25th**

Found another note from Liam in my locker today. “Date Friday night?” I wrote back and suggested Saturday after work, because I don’t have to worry about getting up early the next morning.

I really need to talk to him about sex and stuff, but I don’t know if I can do it in person. Maybe we should do it over the phone.

I don’t know why I’m so nervous. I like him a lot! He likes me! What am I so scared of?

**Later**

I’m worried that I’m going to scare him away if I say I’m not ready yet. I’m worried that he’s going to think I’m a baby. I’m worried that if (when?) we do finally fool around, he’s going to think I’m awful at it.

But…

I can’t stop thinking of his spine under my fingers and his hands on my stomach and how he tastes (like Starbursts) and how we kissed over the table. And it makes my skin feel tight and hot and in my imagination, when I’m jacking off and thinking of him in the shower, or late at night, it’s perfect.

 

**Friday, February 26th**

God, today was a mess and I still feel sick over it and I need to talk to Liam, but I couldn’t because Mom demanded I do some chores after school and then have a family dinner and I tried calling him and nobody answered, so I just hung up because I was afraid I’d cry if I tried to leave a message, but it’s going to show up on caller ID, ugh.

My hand is shaking, I’m so angry (scared, maybe, I’m not sure what I’m feeling).

I got a note in my locker today, just saying, “Can’t wait to see you.”

I kept it in my pocket, like I normally do. But I guess it fell out somehow.

During lunch.

And Harry found it.

He read it out loud and looked at me—how he knew it was mine, I’m not sure—and started teasing me about a secret girlfriend and oh, did any of the other guys know about her? I kept trying to grab the note and he played keep away.

I tried to not look at Liam because I was afraid of what I’d see if I did, but I did catch a glance of him and he was trying to laugh but it was really fake and his eyes were panicked and it made my stomach twist. I wanted to hug him and I couldn’t and I wanted to kick Harry in the nuts.

Zayn managed to get the note and gave it to me. He told Harry to “knock it the fuck off” and I got up and left.

I didn’t even know where I was going, but I ended up going to the second floor bathroom because the first floor would be too busy. That one only had a freshman in there, and he scurried out of there as soon as I came in. I splashed water on my face and tried to calm down. A minute later, the door opened, and I started to walk toward a stall but it was Louis.

He just looked at me and nodded toward the door. I followed him out and he said, “Library.”

We went to the library and found a quiet corner. He asked if I was OK and I blinked hard to try not to cry and said I was. He said Harry was an ass and that Zayn was in the middle of reaming him out when he came to find me.

I wanted to ask about Liam. But I didn’t know how to and I just kept tugging at my shirt.

Louis said he’d be right back and he came back with two passes, the newspaper, and a box of tissues. He said, “I told the librarian your grandma was sick, please don’t kill me, but now we can stay here as long as you want to.”

I wiped my eyes and he opened up the Variety section and started reading the comics to me. He read through all of the good ones and some of the dumb ones and then read Miss Manners and Ask Ann Landers. He read his horoscope, which said “you will meet someone special.” He waggled his eyes at me and said maybe the note was meant for him, which made me laugh.

Then he said, “And here’s your horoscope. And Liam’s, right?” There was something in there about being independent even when it’s hard. He just said “hmm” behind the paper and didn’t look at me. I flicked the paper so it popped at him and asked what Harry’s was. He said, “His says, ‘Don’t be a dick.’”

I started laughing again, and he folded up the newspaper and said we should go to class.

I nodded and wiped my eyes and cleaned my glasses with my sleeve. I got up, but he grabbed my arm and pulled on me so I landed hard in the seat. He said, “I’m not going to ask you who it is, but one, I hope you’re happy, two, if you ever want to tell me, I won’t tell you know, and three, if he breaks your heart, I’m killing him.”

I said I couldn’t tell him, because he’s not out to anyone.

Louis just nodded and said, “I get it. And I won’t ask.”

“Can you tell—”

“Zayn not to ask?”

God, Louis understands. (I think it’s the lesbian aunts.)

I said yeah and he said he’d talk to him.

I went to class, still not knowing how Liam was, but then in seventh period, he walked into Johnson’s class and beelined for me. He sat down and his leg bounced up and down even more than it normally does when he’s nervous.

He asked if I was OK and I said I was, but then Johnson started class and we got separated into different groups to work on an art and writing project.

I went to the bathroom after we got started, mostly because the room felt hot and my neck hurt from trying not to look at Liam. On my way back to class, I ran into him in the hallway. We went to a corner by the stairwell and he apologized and asked me not to be mad. I told him it wasn’t his fault, it was mine, or my pocket’s, and right then the stupid principal walked by and told us to “get back to class, gentlemen.”

We didn’t get to talk the rest of class. I offered to drive him home, but he said he had to do something. He wouldn’t tell me what.

I don’t feel good about any of this.

**Later**

He just called to make sure we were still on for tomorrow. We didn’t talk about today. It was a pretty short call.

I thought I was OK about today, but I’m actually really angry. I’m mad at Harry, I’m mad at Liam for not being the one to find me, I’m mad at Louis for not just telling me he knows who it is. I’m mad I have to keep Liam a secret. I don’t understand what was more important (after school! On a Friday!) than talking to me. I don’t know why Liam didn’t ask me about what Louis said.

I’m mad. At everyone.

 

**Saturday, February 27th**

Liam’s mom brought him to work tonight (he told her he needed a book for school and that I could give him a ride home) and I introduced him to Sarah. His mom stayed and browsed for a while until she found a book for a coworker’s baby shower or something, so everything felt a little weird, but Liam talked to Sarah about school and living in Minnesota. I kept busy with customers and tried not to look at him.

When his mom left, it was almost like the room filled with air again but I still didn’t feel like I could breathe. I wanted to hold his hand, to touch him, and to yell at him for not finding me yesterday, but I just leaned against the counter and tried to look cool while he and Sarah chatted. After a few minutes, Sarah kicked us out.

As soon as we pulled out of the parking lot, Liam’s hand was on my knee and he exhaled and said, “I’m sorry about yesterday.”

I said, “Louis doesn’t know it’s you.”

My voice must have given me away, because he asked me what was wrong. I turned to go to Loring Park and Café Zev, not even asking him what he wanted. I asked him why he didn’t want to talk to me after school.

He said that Harry needed help with some deadline for the paper and he’d already promised he’d help and he didn’t think I’d want to hear that right then. I told him he should’ve said fuck you to Harry and come with me. He said he was afraid Harry would wonder why he was so upset over my getting a note from a girl.

I was quiet for a long time and I was glad it was mostly dark because my eyes were watery. I finally asked why he let Louis come get me and why he didn’t even ask me how I was last night.

He squeezed my knee and I could see he was looking at me but I kept looking straight forward. He said that when I left, he didn’t know if he should go after me or “pummel Harry.” (I had to laugh at that, because I can’t imagine Liam pummeling anyone.) He said Zayn started tearing into Harry and Louis got up before he could.

Then…

He said, “I called Louis when I got home. He told me he thought you were OK. He didn’t tell me what you talked about, said it was private, but said that when you get angry you like to be left alone. We’ve never fought, so I believed him.”

It took me a minute to realize why Louis hadn’t told him. It’s because Louis doesn’t know Liam knows I’m gay.

I asked him if Harry had said anything. He said that Harry had been mad that I hadn’t told him I was seeing “some girl.” I got pissed and said if Harry couldn’t even tell me about Rebecca, it was none of his business.

I told him what Louis said, too, but I didn’t tell him about the horoscopes, because that felt… I don’t know. I think that was Louis telling me he knew it was Liam, and if I’m right, I didn’t want to freak Liam out. And if I’m wrong, I didn’t want to look crazy.

As soon as we parked at Café Zev, I kissed him. (God, it’s like I learn something new about his body every time we kiss.) Café Zev was just like it always is. A little dim, and comfortable. We ordered some coffee and cookies and sat down and I could be… normal with him.

We held hands across the table and he said he wasn’t ready to tell Louis or Zayn. He told me he knew that wasn’t fair to me. But it’s not about being fair. It’s about being ready. I told him he didn’t need to and I wasn’t ready to tell Harry anything.

We talked spring break (my family never does anything), and stupid stuff, like our favorite turtles from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and music, and weird foods we ate as kids (I still like peanut butter and pickle sandwiches and said I’d make him one day) and it’s all stuff we could talk about anywhere. But being able to look at him—really look at him—like more than a friend…

We stayed at Café Zev until they closed.

When we left, I tried to open his car door for him but he pulled on my wrist and spun me around so my back was against the car, then he pressed his whole body against mine and put his hands on my cheeks and kissed me.

His gloves weren’t that soft, and my ear lobes were cold because my hat couldn’t cover them and some wool from his scarf got stuck on my lips, but it was… wonderful.

I snaked my hands under his coat and pulled him against me and even through all of the layers of fabric, his body felt solid and safe.

We kissed for a long time, and some guys in the parking lot hooted at us. Liam giggled and tucked he cheek against me and I kissed him where I could reach and told him not to stop. We kissed until the whole parking lot had cleared out and I started shivering.

We haven’t gotten to kiss like that in public before.

I want to do it again.

 

**Sunday, February 28th**

Harry called. I didn’t answer.

 

**Monday, March 1st**

I tried to be late to Econ class so Harry wouldn’t really have time to talk to me, but we had a sub who couldn’t find the copies and had to go make them, so it wasted like, 13 minutes. He apologized and asked if we could talk in the newspaper room at lunch.

I didn’t want to do it but figured I should get it done with.

That was a mistake. He wanted to know “which girl” I was seeing and I got pissed and asked why he didn’t tell me about Rebecca. He said he didn’t want to upset me because he knew I liked Rebecca once.

Jesus fucking Christ, how stupid is Harry fucking Styles?

I shook my head, told him he was wrong, and told him I didn’t give a shit who he liked because I was certainly not going to be interested in the same people he was.

 

**Thursday, March 4th**

Harry hasn’t eaten lunch with us all week. Nobody’s asked why.

Good.

I also haven’t gotten any notes in my locker this week.

Not good.

 

**Sunday, March 7th**

I worked both days this weekend because Sarah’s preparing for inventory, so I didn’t get to see Liam, but we talked on the phone and he told me some great news. He said that his family is going to the Badlands for spring break (in two weeks, thank God, I’m so sick of school) and said his parents said I could come.

I’ve never been to the Badlands before!

I asked Mom and Dad and they said it was fine, as long as they could talk to Liam’s parents first.

Ahhhhhh!!

 

**Monday, March 8th**

I stuck a note in Liam’s locker today. It said, “I like the notes. Don’t stop.”

He passed me one in Johnson’s class. “OK. I won’t.”

 

**Tuesday, March 9th**

It snowed yesterday, all day long, a light snowfall that ended with nine inches, and it was supposed to snow today, so I called Liam after dinner and told him I was picking him up today.

It was light flakes this morning, and everything had that early morning blue glow. When I got to his house, his mom gave me two bowls of cereal and sent me up to his room. I kissed him, sat on his bed and ate my bowl while he got dressed. I told him to dress warmly. (It wasn’t too cold, low twenties. But still.)

We were running late, so he brought his bowl to the car and said to drive slowly.

As soon as we turned at the end of the street, I pulled over and told him to eat. He said we were going to be late, and I got my backpack from the back seat and unzipped it, showing him my camera, and I patted my coat pocket, where I had several rolls of film.

I asked him how he felt about playing hooky.

Liam sounded nervous and said he’d never done it. I said I never had either and asked how mad his parents would be if they found out. He said he wasn’t sure, and asked if our parents would be called.

Thing is, the school does automated calls before lunch. I told him as long as we could delete the voicemails, we’d be fine. No real person calls until your third absence in the semester. So we’re still good for Senior Skip Day, too.

He grinned and said he was up for it and asked where we were going. I told him it was a surprise and we drove to Minneapolis. I took him to Perkins to kill time since it was so early. We ate muffins and watched the snow fall and waited through all of first and second period.

Then we headed over to Minnehaha Falls. It was exactly what I was hoping for. Snow was still falling, so everything was fresh and powdery white. We climbed over the chain blocking off the stairs and (very carefully) made our way over the ice and snow. When we reached the footbridge at the base of the falls, it was just us and one other couple.

The waterfall was frozen on the top, but you could hear a trickle of water underneath it, and there was a gigantic sheet of rippled ice hanging over the whole edge of the falls. It was snowing, so we didn’t get to see the sun, but it wasn’t too heavy and it just made everything quiet.

The other couple smiled at us and then snuck behind the fence so they could walk up closer to the waterfall. I asked if Liam wanted to go back there and he said yeah, so we followed them and picked our way over the ice. It was hard with the snow, but I wanted to show him what the falls look like, all frozen.

We got pretty close, but neither of us felt good climbing up behind the falls. It was too slippery, so we settled for posing in front of the falls. I shot pictures of him, and then he took pictures of me.

The other couple was doing the same, and Liam and I talked about asking them to take a picture of us. When I had to change a roll of film, they looked like they might be leaving, so I quickly asked if they wanted a picture. They said sure and I took several photos of them. The boyfriend then offered to take ours and we said yes.

They seemed friendly, so I felt comfortable standing right next to Liam. I said it was his first time seeing Minnehaha frozen and slung my arm over his shoulder. They laughed and asked what he thought and he said it was really cool and unbelievable. The guy took a bunch of photos of us.

They left and it was just us. I kissed Liam on the nose because his scarf was in the way of his lips. He put his head on my shoulder and his arm around my waist and thanked me for bringing him.

We stayed for a few more minutes, watching the snow fall, but when someone else showed up, we left. (The stairs were a bitch.) We looked at the falls and the stream from the top and then went back to my car to warm up.

It was nearly lunchtime, so we drove to Uptown and found an Italian place to eat. It was busy with a lunch crowd and I felt like at any point someone was going to ask why we weren’t in school but nobody did and I felt very grown up. Ha! I paid for lunch and Liam said he’d treat me the next time and then we walked around, poking in and out of stores.

We spent a long time at Cheapo Records. Liam bought some Patti Smith CDs and I bought some Pearl Jam. We both found copies with the liner notes and no visible scratches. I don’t understand why people get rid of CDs right after they buy them, but I guess they didn’t like the music. The cool thing is since it’s a used place, they have Discmans so you can listen to the whole CD before you buy it, and check if it skips. It’s neat to be able to hear the whole thing, not just the stuff on the radio. (It also means nothing can be returned, only sold back.)

Then we wandered across the street to Booksmart. I know I work in a bookstore and I should be sick of them, but God, I love books. And used bookstores are even better because you can see what other people underlined or wrote in the margins. I write in my books sometimes, and I dog-ear the pages. (I hate highlighters, though.)

We checked the travel section and found a book on the Badlands (mostly) and some other nearby parks. I sat down on the floor and started reading it. (I didn’t realize the Badlands would be cold when we were there. I was thinking since it’s a desert it would just be hot, but that’s not true.) Liam poked at a few books and then wandered off. When I found him later, he was in the arts section.

We both moved slowly toward the gay and lesbian section, which was huge compared to other bookstores. I peeked at the employee to see if he was paying any attention to us, but he was reading a book at the register.

Even though it’s Uptown and it’s cool and mostly college students, I still felt nervous. Like do people know we’re gay if we’re in that section? Do straight people ever buy books in that section? Or is it only people who are GLBTQ+ or think they might be? And what if someone we knew saw us? What would we do then?

At first I just looked at the titles, but I finally picked one up. I flipped through several books, but I don’t know where I’d put them at home. One book was called The Joy of Gay Sex and I wanted to look at it so bad (!) but I couldn’t with Liam standing right there.

Liam found some book to buy about hiking the Appalachian Trail, and when he was buying it, I asked where a pay phone was. The cashier asked if it was local and I said yeah, I just needed to check in at home, shouldn’t take more than two minutes. He handed me the store phone and told me to go ahead.

I called my house and got into the voicemail and deleted the message from school, then Liam did the same. We both had huge grins on our faces when we left.

It was after two by then, and we swung by the Lagoon and the Uptown to see if any good matinees were playing, but there was nothing that caught our eye. I asked if he wanted to go to the Sculpture Garden or head home since school would be getting out soon. He bumped my hip and said his parents worked later than mine and said, “We should go home, sweetie.”

Sweetie, he called me “sweetie.” And he said we should go home. Like his home.

Oh man, my stomach and thighs felt so warm, and my face felt hot. I nodded and we walked back to my car, not saying anything, but there was this heavy weight in my gut—not a bad one, just… yeah.

We got to his house and hid all of the purchases and my camera in my backpack. We went inside and he checked the voicemail twice to be sure we hadn’t missed anything, then poured us each a pop. We stood in the middle of the kitchen, drinking our pops and looking at each other. He started laughing and said he couldn’t believe we’d skipped school. We kissed, long and deep, and I swear, the clock in his kitchen has never seemed so loud.

He leaned against me so the counter was digging into my back and I slid my fingers under the edge of his shirt, and rubbed the waistband of his jeans. I could feel the elastic from his underwear, and that just made my fingers feel like they were on fire. I’ve seen him in his underwear at my grandparents’ house, so it’s kind of funny that touching him with his clothes on felt so incredible.

He kissed my neck and fuck, I want to be able to have hickeys like everyone else. I squirmed and said the counter hurt. He nodded toward the ceiling and we went up to his room. He closed and locked the door even though nobody was home and nobody would be home and my stomach felt all light and fluttery, and I was already starting to get hard.

We kissed standing in the middle of the room, just a lot of kissing and pulling on clothes, and sort of… dancing around. I’d kiss his neck, and lick his birthmark, and he’d laugh and tell me it tickled and then kiss me right behind my ear. It gives me shivers when he kisses me there, and I kept turning my head to try and get him to do it again.

I accidentally bumped him into his bookshelf, and it made the framed picture of us at the lighthouse fall. He managed to grab it, but he had to twist his body to catch it, and that made him kick my shin, and it hurt like hell and I yelped. He said sorry again and bent down to kiss where I was rubbing and that just looked dumb so I started laughing.

He laughed too and sat down on his bed and patted the mattress. I sat next to him and God…

We were on the bed sort of sideways, one knee bent on the bed and one foot on the floor, right? We kissed and I put my hands under his shirt and felt the smoothness of his chest. He’s a little broader than I am, and his skin is so soft. He put his hands on my back, under my clothes, and he was running his fingers over me and squeezing my shoulder blades.

We did a good job of sitting up, at first, but then we just kind of… fell sideways. We were grabbing at each other and I wanted to feel him all over me. We hugged each other hard, and it made it so we were pressed up against each other and I was so hard, fuck, so hard.

Then we kind of did this thing where…

Well he pulled me against him and then I could feel the bulge in his jeans and I know I sort of froze. But then I moved my leg, like I pretended I needed to adjust it, so I could get closer to him.

I don’t know if it was being alone without our parents down the hall, or if it was skipping school and the chance of getting caught or if it was being able to spend all day with him or what.

I wanted to kiss him and touch him and just breathe him in.

I just wanted to… feel.

His breathing changed and I put my hand against the small of his back and started brushing my fingers against him. He said it tickled and he squirmed, which made him rub against me.

We did that for a few minutes, making out and sort of moving our hips and rubbing against each other and then…

A car honked.

Holy shit, it scared the fuck out of us.

We both jumped out of bed and my heart was pounding so hard! Liam ran to his window and it was nothing, but we were both freaked out for a few minutes. I sat back down on the bed panting, because my heart was racing, and he was pacing back and forth, shaking out his wrists. You would have thought a car had hit the house or something the way we were scared.

He said he needed a glass of water and I said OK and he left. I waited in his bedroom and squeezed my dick through my jeans, trying to get it to calm down a little bit. (I don’t think it helped.)

He came back with a big glass of water, drank some, and handed it to me, then asked when I needed to go to work. I told him in about an hour and asked how he knew I had work and he said, “You’re my boyfriend. You work every Wednesday, or are you playing hooky with that, too?”

I said I wasn’t, and I should probably call my parents and tell them where I was. He pointed to the phone on his nightstand and I took a few deep breaths before I called. Mom answered and I told her I was at Liam’s working on homework for school, said I’d go to work and see her at home after. She said that was fine and tell Liam hi and she’d keep a plate of leftovers for me.

I hung up and said, “Mom says hi.”

Liam chuckled and said, “That was nice of her.”

I felt dumb for mentioning my mom, and he was standing in front of me so his crotch was right there. I felt weird staring at his crotch, so I grabbed one of his belt loops and pulled on it.

He sort of fell halfway on me and I scooted up the bed. He stretched out next to me and propped himself up on one elbow and kissed me. He touched my stomach and it made me suck my breath in and I really wanted his hand on my dick, but he didn’t touch it. It was rubbing against my jeans and it kind of hurt, but I wanted to stay with him until I absolutely had to leave for work.

My left arm was kind of stuck against his body, but I rubbed my knuckles against his jeans where I could reach, and he pushed one leg over mine, which twisted my hips toward him a tiny bit. He kissed my forehead and then looked down at me, and I had to close my eyes. It felt really close all of a sudden, and I got overwhelmed. I wanted to tell him I was glad his family moved here, I wanted to tell him how much I like him, but I didn’t want to scare him off, and I had to shut my eyes and block him out for a second and just feel.

I turned my head and stretched my neck hoping he would kiss me behind my ear again, but he sucked on my ear lobe and whispered, “I had fun today.”

I said I was having fun right then, and he laughed and pinched my nipple and said he was too, but that the whole day had been great.

We were quiet for a while, kissing like that and touching each other. His hand moved in longer strokes over my stomach and chest and it felt really serious, like something had changed. I sat up on one elbow and he laid his head on the pillow.

It was my turn to kiss him and touch his chest. And I got to look down on him. He’s so beautiful. He once told me he hates his eyes because the color is so boring, but they have little rust red flecks in the middle of them, and I could look at them all up close like that forever.

I wanted to see if I could put my hand under his pants (over his underwear!) but I kept looking at the clock and chickening out, and we kept making out and I finally, finally had to go.

He made me take an orange to work so I could at least have a snack. He kissed me at the door and made sure I had all of my stuff, and I didn’t want to go. I kissed him and told him I’d see him at school and his voice was so soft it made me melt.

At work, I was kind of quiet. Sarah asked me if everything was OK, and I said yeah. I told her about going to the Badlands for spring break and asked if I could have the time off. She laughed and said she knew when she hired me that my schedule would be irregular because of school and stuff. She did ask if I could come in Sunday since I’m volunteering Saturday, and I said yes. (It will make it so I get a paycheck at least!)

It’s really late and I am super tired, but all I can think about is Liam’s body against mine and his deep brown eyes, and how glad I am the first day I skipped school was with him.

And writing all of this has made my dick hard again, so I’m going to go to bed and think about him while I jerk off.

 

**Friday, March 12th**

Last night Liam’s family had us over for dinner. I was a little on edge, wondering if anyone found out we skipped school and if they were waiting to pounce on us both at once and tell us they knew, but nothing like that happened.

(We both made up all of our work last night and brought it in today, so I’m pretty sure we’re safe with the teachers. One of the nice things about being ~~a~~ ~~good~~ ~~boring kid~~ me is that I don’t think they assume I/we skipped.)

Dinner was fine, but Liam’s parents had us all playing card games after we ate when I all wanted to do was get him into his bedroom. We played Bullshit a few times and Mom kept raising an eyebrow every time I yelled “bullshit.” She teased me about swearing, and I know she was just joking around, but it embarrassed me a little in front of Liam. She was treating me like a little kid, and “bullshit” isn’t even a terrible word.

While we talked out the logistics of camping, Dad reminded me that the last time we went camping, I tore my tent. We haven’t fixed it yet, and before I could mention fixing it, Liam’s dad said Liam’s tent was a decently sized two person tent and if we didn’t have time to fix it, we could probably share.

Liam’s eyes popped out for a fraction of a second and mine must have, too. Before I could say anything, Dad made some joke about how the tent would stink, and Liam’s parents should make sure we camped downwind of them.

Then Liam’s parents started making fun of him and how much he hates doing laundry and how he didn’t listen when he was learning to do laundry and he turned all of his undies pink when he was in junior high. Liam tried to joke that he still had some pink undies and I know he was trying not to be embarrassed.

After that our parents started sharing stories about us when we were little kids, dumb shit we’d said and done, and we just got up and left. (But I did learn that Liam was born early and really sick.)

In Liam’s room, I asked to see his pink undies and he punched my arm and called me an asshole. I asked why he never told me he was such a sick baby and he said he doesn’t like to think about it, because it’s not important anymore. I asked him if there were any long term problems and he said they he needs to be careful because he only has one working kidney. That scared me, for some reason. But I didn’t want to tell him that because it felt a little babyish and weird, like… I don’t know.

(I really like Liam and I wonder if he can tell how much I like him. I hope he likes me as much, too. I think that’s why the kidney thing felt weird—I wouldn’t be as worried for any of my friends, not even Louis or Zayn, and I’ve known them forever. With Liam, it’s… different.)

I gave him a big hug and we made out on his bed a little, but our parents kept laughing and it kind of ruined the mood, so we finally just sat and talked.

When my parents started calling for me, he squeezed my hand, kissed me, and whispered “one tent.”

I closed my eyes and kissed him back so I didn’t have to talk.

 

**Saturday, March 13th**

I volunteered today. This time Tom asked me if I could just focus on the library, and I finally got to finish it! I apologized for not getting it done faster, but Tom shushed me and said it was great that it got done at all because nobody ever wanted to do it.

I arranged all of the non-fiction by subject area, and even managed to arrange the fiction into themes. Tom and Shamika helped me find places for some of the books.

We set up a check out system—very simple, just a notebook with each page divided into columns—date, name (or alias), title, author, and date returned. I typed up a little poster that explains how the check out works and that they can make up a fake name if they aren’t comfortable leaving a real name.

I asked Tom and Shamika what happens if the book doesn’t get returned and they said nothing really, because they figure the books will hopefully end up where they should be. But they also want a record of what’s being read and what isn’t being read.

They want an inventory of the books, but said they’ll have someone else do that, someone who has permission to use their laptops. They have desktops I could use, but none near the room and nobody thought writing down all the titles by hand was a good idea. They want to use the inventory to see what books need to be trashed and which ones need to be replaced or whatever.

They had a few novels with teenagers that I thought might be good, but a lot were kind of depressing looking. I checked one of them out, though, because I’ve never read a book with people like me in it. So I’m the first checkout.

I wrote my name on the sheet, but I had to think before I did. I thought about writing James, actually. I’ve never met another Niall, and if someone I know ever sees it, they’ll know it was me (even though I only wrote my first name). But then I thought that if someone sees my name here, they’re probably gay too. Or at least very OK with gay people. I’m gonna keep the book in my backpack, probably.

Oh. I told Shamika about the Badlands and she kind of gave me a really short “sex is fun if you’re ready and you choose what counts as sex and you get to say yes or no” talk again. I told her I didn’t need to hear it, but secretly I appreciated it. She’s like my mom. Except cooler. And gay.

 

**Sunday, March 14th**

I almost blurted out at work today that Liam was my boyfriend. Is it weird to tell your boss before your own parents? Probably.

 

**Monday, March 15**

Today spring break plans came up at lunch. I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t want Zayn and Louis to feel like they were being left out of a trip, but luckily they already have stuff planned. Liam explained that I was going camping with his family. I couldn’t even look at Louis. But I’m glad Liam said something. It was weird to hide it.

 

**Tuesday, March 16th**

Harry still hasn’t shown up to lunch since he was a dick over the note. I guess he’s eating with Rebecca and her friends or something, but today in Econ he said that he hoped Liam and I have a good trip together. Liam must have said something to him while working on the newspaper.

I guess I can’t be mad at him. He has to talk to Harry for the paper. And Zayn and Louis know about the trip, and they’re still friends with Harry. (Am I? I’m not even sure.)

But it’s also strange to talk about it, because any time either of us talks about us, we’re hiding something.

Sub rosa, sub rosa.

 

**Wednesday, March 17th**

I couldn’t sleep last night.

I kept imagining being in a tent with him, being shoulder to shoulder with him all night, for seven whole nights. I thought about not being able to sleep because of hearing animals, and if he would sleep through it or think I was a baby for waking up at the slightest noise. I thought about how you fall asleep early and wake up early because of the sun. I thought about how you need to get up and pee but the tent is warmer than anything else and you don’t want to leave. I thought about that early morning whispering, the swishing sound nylon makes and eating s’mores at a campfire.

But mostly I kept seeing these images of him changing in the tent, taking off his shirt like he did at my grandparents’ house. He was shy after we first kissed, but there isn’t room in a tent to be shy.

And I kept thinking about being alone with him, and how turned on I was at his house last week.

I put a note in Liam’s locker today asking him to call me tonight, after his parents went to bed. He passed me one in Johnson’s class saying he’d call at 11 pm. Well it’s almost 11, so I need to call the time and temp line. (When we have late night calls, one of us promises to answer. That person calls the time and temp line and listens until the other one beeps in. As long as we talk really quietly, our parents don’t hear.)

 

**Thursday, March 18th**

Oh my God, I’m scribbling this in a bathroom stall between classes. I’m going to be late to Econ. I found a note in my locker: “Slept well last night. Hope you did too.”

Fuck. I am not going to be able to look at him without turning into a tomato.

**Later**

I am not going to survive this trip.

So last night Liam called me (“the time is 11:01, and it is 32 degrees”) and as soon as he did, I was nervous. We chatted a little about how work went and how he was digging out all of his camping stuff. We talked about going to Mount Rushmore and maybe seeing the Corn Palace, and we were chitchatting and I finally blurted out that I was nervous to share a tent with him.

There was a weird silence and he said we didn’t need to, and there was probably still time to get my tent fixed at REI or find another one, and he sounded a little hurt or disappointed. I tried to say I still wanted to share a tent with him but was nervous.

He asked what I was nervous about.

Well how was I supposed to say, “I want to have sex with you eventually but I'm not sure if I want to have ass sex and I really like you a lot please don't think I'm a baby and by the way I keep imagining your hand on my dick, and I think I really really really like you, but that doesn't mean I'm quite ready for your hand on my dick right now, oh and I think maybe you have more sexual experience because you had a boyfriend and I kind of want to know everything you did and I don't want to think of you with anyone else so make me feel better without telling me any details.”

You can’t say that.

So I said he had more experience because he had a boyfriend before and I was wondering if he was “expecting anything.” He stopped me and asked if I was upset over what happened at his house and I said no, that I really liked it and I really like him (like, yeah, sure, “like”) and I’m glad we did it but that I wasn’t sure if he wanted more because, well, because he’s had a boyfriend before.

Liam told me he’s a virgin, which he had told me in Duluth, but… I said I wasn’t sure how he was defining that and then I told them a little bit about what Shamika had said about sex being more than anal, but maybe he was just assuming it only meant that.

God, I was so nervous. My stomach didn’t feel good and I kept shaking my foot against the bed. I was twisting the phone cord around my fingers so the tips turned that dead-purple color, and I was really afraid of what was going to happen, like if he was going to think I was too stupid to date. (Which was dumb, but I’ve never had this conversation before. And I felt gross for saying “anal.” Like we’re at a doctor’s office or something.)

Liam asked if I wanted to know what he and Scott had done. I wanted to be mature and say yes, like it wasn’t really a big deal, but I really didn’t want to think about Liam—my Liam—with someone else. And I guess I didn’t answer quickly enough, because before I could say anything, his voice got really quiet. He said that he didn’t have nearly as much experience as I thought he did. He said with everything we’ve done, we’re both as experienced as each other.

I said, “Even, like, hand jobs?”

He said, “Sweetie, we’re as experienced as each other, I promise.” I didn’t say anything, although I felt like the knot in my stomach got a little smaller and I could feel myself smiling.

Then we were both quiet for a while and he said we didn’t need to share a tent if I didn’t want to. I told him I want to, but that I hadn’t been able to sleep last night because it was all I could think of.

Oh God, I shouldn’t’ve said that. (But really, I’m so glad I said it.)

He said, “You thought of me last night?”

He made his voice like maybe he was joking, but the whole conversation—and hearing we’re equally experienced—made me feel less shy and I said, “Yeah, I imagined you in the tent.”

He said, “In the tent?”

I said in the tent and in Duluth and in his house after we played hooky. I said I thought about all of it. I heard his breath catch and then—

“Do you ever think about me when you go to bed?”

It was my turn to hold my breath and I nodded, and finally said I did. “Most nights.” (Holy shit, I can’t believe I’m writing this. I can’t believe we talked about this!)

His voice got even quieter, so I had to hold the phone really close to my ear, and he said, “I think about you at night, too.”

I said, “What do you think about?”

He said, “No, you go first.”

I took a deep breath and turned off the light so I was in the dark, as if talking in the dark would make it feel better. I said I imagined what his hands would feel like on me.

He said he thought about the same thing and sighed and said sometimes he thought about what my mouth would feel like on him.

I told him I thought about that, too.

We both went silent again and I moved really slowly to put my other hand under the covers and under my boxers. Right when I was about to grab my dick, he said, “Sometimes I pretend my hand is yours.”

I said, “I do, too.”

There was another long pause and Liam made a tiny little moan and I heard fabric rustling. Then I just moved like normal, not worried if he heard anything, and wrapped my hand around myself. He whispered my name and oh God, I got so hard.

I said his name back, trying to moan it a little, and he said he was glad I told him how I was feeling.

I said I was, too. What I didn’t say was that I wanted to stay on the phone with him but I was so hard I knew I wasn’t going to last. I didn’t want him to know that. So instead I said that we should probably hang up and go to sleep.

He groaned and said we should hang up, but that there was no way he was going to sleep right away and God, my skin felt so hot. I told him I wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep right away either.

We both said good night and hung up, but you could tell neither of us really wanted to.

I… don’t know that I’ve ever gotten off like I did last night. I kept thinking about him, in his bed, the bed we’ve shared before, thinking about me, and touching himself, at the same time… And I kept hearing that groan and my name like a song on repeat.

Fuck, it was so hot.

And then to get that note in my locker today…

He’s trying to kill me.

(I’m going to leave a note in his locker tomorrow. I don’t know what it will say, but something about sleeping. Which is what I’m not doing. Goddamn, my boyfriend’s so hot.)

 

**Saturday, March 20th**

I’m all packed for the trip and Liam’s family is picking me up tomorrow morning to leave by 9. I’m so, so excited. I’m not scared anymore. Whatever happens in the tent will be fine—even if nothing happens.

(But I hope something happens.)

**Later**

I’m not scared but I’m a little nervous. About if something will happen. Or not.

 

**Monday, March 22nd**

It’s early and it’s cold and thank God we have warm sleeping bags (the same kind—isn’t that funny?) and are sharing a tent, because holy shit, I would be so cold in my own tent. Liam’s family brings blankets as well as sleeping bags and I’m grateful because it’s chilly out!

Liam’s still asleep, but I’m going to write quickly.

We got here late yesterday afternoon and pitched our tents. We are the only people in the campground so far, and it’s the only one open right now. Since we had our pick of the place, we’re basically as far away from his parents as possible, and we pitched our tents so the doors face opposite directions, too. It feels really private, which (almost) makes up for how chilly it is this morning.

We’re not allowed campfires, because the land is dry and burns too easily here. His parents packed a ton of dehydrated food and a little camp stove and made us some stew last night. It was great.

It’s gorgeous here, so, so pretty. The rocks are sedimentary rocks and they’re like… painted in shades of orange and rust and red and yellow. It feels like an alien landscape.

Liam is really cute when he sleeps. He slept during a lot of the car ride here. It was over 9 hours with stops (but we crossed a time zone so we gained one back), and his head kept rolling from side to side and I wanted to lean against him and fall asleep too.

He told me his family does a good mix of hiking and sightseeing and having downtime, so I brought a few books to read. I left the one I got from the AIDS Project library at home, hidden. Don’t need his parents to see that one, and it’s kind of a downer anyhow so I don’t even know if I’ll finish it. I have some Michael Crichton.

I also brought my camera. If I wake up early enough, I’ll catch the sunrise. For sure I can stay awake long enough to get a sunset. Louis loaned me his tripod and gave me some tricks for getting better photos. Gave me some night photography paper calculator thing, too, so I can get the stars.

Oh, Liam’s waking up. Time to kiss him before we have to go out and face the world together, hidden.

 

**Later**

Liam’s parents are making dinner (chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese sandwiches) and Liam’s reading, so I’m going to write what we did today.

(Liam once asked me if I write about him in my journal and I just laughed and said I write about all sorts of stuff. He never asked to read it, and he never shows an interest in it when he sees it at my house. I appreciate that, because I’d want to know what he was writing about me.)

Today we all woke up around the same time—well we got out of our tents around the same time. We had oatmeal, fruit, and coffee for breakfast, then took a leisurely drive around the park together. There’s only one main (paved) road in the park, and we basically went from one end to the other and back, stopping at every viewing platform on both sides of the road. Only one of the visitor centers is open because of the season, and we went in there and checked out the exhibits, too. (We also took some time to wash up in the bathrooms because the campground doesn’t have showers. Liam’s mom brought little tubs of baby wipes for each of us, which was smart, but it still doesn’t feel like a shower.)

The first few outlooks were cool, but then it kind of became overkill to stop at every single one, and Liam must have thought so, too, because he refused to get out at the last couple. His parents didn’t bug us though, so we stayed in the car and chatted. Liam said he was glad I came, and I wanted to kiss him right there, but I couldn’t, so I just squeezed his hand.

We spent a lot of time at one overlook because there was a family of bighorn sheep climbing around on the rocks. It was really neat, once we saw them. They kind of blend in with everything, but they’re super agile and they were fun to watch.

We also went to Prairie Dog Town (yes), where there are hundreds and hundreds of prairie dogs. They’re big, round, soft looking rodents, kind of like a cross between a chipmunk and a gopher. They live in burrows and they’d pop up, look around, and then scurry off. Some of them made chirping noises and stood on their hind legs even. I don’t know why this was so funny to me, but it was. The way they’d pop up and down looked like an invisible giant was playing Whack-a-Mole.

Ooh, dinner’s almost ready. We’re going to Mount Rushmore tomorrow.

 

**Tuesday, March 23rd**

Morning again, Liam’s up and getting water.

So. How it is being in a tent with Liam? Well. Changing clothes is a bit of a pain, just because there isn’t much room. But I get to kiss Liam’s back when he’s trying to pull on his shirt. And he gets me back by pulling on my underwear waistband when I’m trying to wiggle into my jeans.

Last night the air was so quiet and still I could hear every insect and breeze and I thought maybe his parents would hear us, but Liam assured me they were sound sleepers, and we couldn’t hear anything coming from their tent.

We stayed up late whispering about college plans. I really want to go to Macalester, but unless I get an amazing scholarship, I won’t be able to. Liam just wants to live off campus, doesn’t really care where he goes.

I wanted to ask if he would think about living together, but I kind of felt sick thinking about it, because I was afraid he’d say no, and maybe we’re too young to even—

He just shook the tent door and told me to come out for breakfast. Gotta go.

**Later**

These sites have no shade, because there are no trees, but each campsite has a covered picnic table. I’m sure in the dead of summer the shade is appreciated, but it’s dark and chilly and I’m in a fleece jacket and the newsboy cap Liam gave me for Christmas. (I should really probably wash this hat. I wear it a lot.)

Another family showed up, and they’re using the middle of the campground, but I’m using another table because there’s space. Liam’s family made hot cocoa for us and we have lanterns out. I’m writing and Liam’s reading and his parents are talking about plans for tomorrow and they’re thinking of going stargazing together (not with us) or something.

We did a whole lot today! And I saw my first bison! We drove out to Custer State Park (that took a little over an hour) and did a loop around it. We found a whole bunch of bison and Liam’s parents stopped the car so we could get pictures. They’re huge! And they’re so woolly looking, I wasn’t expecting that. We stopped and watched them until the bison moved on, then kept driving. I hope I got some good pictures!

We also found the begging burros. They were brought into the park as pack animals a long time ago, but now they’re wild and they beg the tourists for food. Well, Liam’s dad took a bag of carrots out from under his seat.

Liam’s eyes got so big, like a kid at Christmas or something. He screeched and I started laughing because I normally think of Liam as being way cooler than that. We rolled the windows down just a tiny bit and fed the burros carrots through the cracks. One of the burro’s tongues rubbed against my hand and it had these scratchy whiskers (?) like a beard but its tongue was soft and I was so surprised that I yelped and dropped the carrot.

Liam started laughing and I wiped my tongue-hand on his arm and pinched his side and he grabbed my wrist and looked scared. Then I remembered we were in the car with his parents and I yanked my hand back quickly and hoped they hadn’t noticed. We went back to feeding the donkeys and when we ran out of carrots we rolled up the windows.

They started licking the car and windows. I don’t know if it tasted like salt from the road or what, but I tried getting a picture of it. I was having a hard time leaning far enough back in the car, and Liam grabbed my shoulder and pulled me toward him so my head was basically in his lap.

Fuck, I wanted to kiss him.

And it made me feel better about pinching him.

We drove to Mount Rushmore, too. There’s a road built so that you get peeks of it while driving up to it. (I wonder how the Native Americans we stole the land from feel about that.) We ate some lunch when we got there, then took some photos, and then went on a short hike around the area.

We went to Rapid City for dinner, and on the way there, we made a pit stop at a gas station. Liam’s mom asked how I was and I said I was good and asked if she had her baby wipes. She only had a few left, because the rest were at the campground. She asked if I wanted a shower, and yes, I wanted a shower, but I shrugged and said no, I just needed some baby wipes.

Well Liam’s mom must have talked to his dad or something, because when I got back to the car, Liam was there eating Starbursts and they were all talking about taking showers. But I didn’t know where we would do that, since the park doesn’t have any showers open this time of year.

They brought us to a motel.

I was so confused about why Niall’s family would pay for a motel room just to take a shower and I felt like a bad guest because they were doing it for me. Liam’s dad jumped out of the car, talked to the person at the desk, came back with two keys and four towels and some motel soap and shampoo containers. We drove around to the back and he tossed Liam one of the keys and said, “Set your watch, we’ve got an hour. You know the drill.”

Liam opened the door to one room and his parents went to the next room. I was confused but followed him inside. He told me to not mess anything up, because we needed to make it look like we hadn’t been there. I said I felt bad that his parents paid for motel rooms and he started laughing. He said when his dad was younger he had hitchhiked around the country (!) and learned to ask to rent rooms for an hour to have a place to shower and scrub up.

I didn’t even know how to respond to that. I wasn’t sure if he was joking!

He took off his shirt and said we’d have to wear the same clothes, so it wasn’t quite the best shower, but he usually went commando after, which felt cleaner. Then he pointed to the remote and told me he’d be quick.

I could hear his parents talking on the other side of the wall, although I couldn’t tell what they were saying. Then the water started and drowned them out and I turned on the TV and watched some of the local news.

Liam came out in about twenty minutes wearing only his jeans and his chest and face were bright red and his hair was damp.

He was also carrying his underwear, so I knew he was naked under his jeans.

God, he’s so fucking hot.

He squeezed my shoulder and kissed my forehead, but I felt really dirty since he was all clean. I joked and asked if he’d left any hot water and he looked fake offended and said of course he had. I got up and he smacked my butt and told me I had about the same time. I told him to knock on the door after 15 minutes and he said OK.

I know it was just a motel, but it was kind of like when we played hooky—it felt good to be alone with him, like we were all grown up.

And the shower felt good, too. I don’t know how I got so grimy doing nothing. It’s not even hot out.

Since Liam was going commando, I didn’t put briefs back on, and the zipper felt a little cold against me, but it also felt good.

When I got done, we had a few minutes left, and Liam pulled me down onto the bed and we made out a bit. Jesus, I wanted to curl up under the cheap, scratchy covers and never leave. Or maybe I just wanted to roll around on them for a while. (Roll around on them, him. You know, whatever.)

After our showers we found a place to eat in town and finally came back here. It’s getting windy and cold and we need to get in our tent.

 

**Wednesday, March 24th**

I don’t have enough time to write everything in this journal. Damn. It’s early morning, so cold my breath is fogging in the air. Liam is next to me, curled against my side and I don’t want to move him, but I want to write.

It’s cold. The wind is cold, the ground is cold, my sleeping pad is cold, everything is cold. It’s not dangerously cold—we have good sleeping bags—it’s just fucking cold.

So last night, working with our flashlights in the tent, Liam and I zipped our sleeping bags together to make one huge sleeping bag. We both wore our long johns under our sweatpants and our light fleece tops and wool socks and stocking caps to bed. We had the spare blanket over us, which blocked out the extra gaps around our shoulders, so with two bodies in one sleeping bag, it was warmer.

(I just looked at Liam. His mouth is open just a bit and his hair is mussed and he’s so… beautiful. And he’s mine.)

We were trying to be quiet but when we finally got settled, Liam started laughing. It was an airy, quiet laugh. I asked what was wrong, and he rubbed his feet against mine and said, “Your socks are so sexy, Niall.”

I giggled and pulled his hat lower over his ears and said he looked like a cat burglar.

We teased each other like that, touching and joking and kissing, until it was more kissing and touching and no joking and both our hats were gone so we could touch each other’s faces and kiss each other’s ears.

We burrowed deep in the sleeping bag (for warmth, for quiet, for privacy) and pressed our bodies together, and I didn’t even feel shy. It was too hard to feel him under the layers of clothes if I was shy, and I pulled him against me. We spent a lot of time grinding together and making out. It was kind of lazy and slow and… hard at the same time. Like, yeah our dicks were hard, and we were pushing hard against each other, but it was hard to really feel each other under all of those layers. It also felt ~~safer~~ easier, less embarrassing, because the whole thing was embarrassing. Long johns and wool socks? Nobody’s singing about sex in wool socks.

We talked quietly, too, in low voices about how he misses his sister in California.

I finally told him about Greg. He seemed… not angry, but a little hurt that I hadn’t told him I have a brother. I tried to explain that we have a bad history and that we’re “estranged” (at best). When I started talking about his mental health problems, Liam told me I could stop if I didn’t want to talk about it. I wanted to tell him, but how do you say “when my brother finally moved out, I could breathe” or “my life is easier when he’s not around” without sounding like a horrible person?

Instead I squeezed his hand inside of the sleeping bag and said thank you. He kissed me and said maybe Louis and Zayn were more like my brothers. I closed my eyes and said Harry used to be, too.

He squeezed his hand against mine and didn’t say anything for a while. He finally said, “I know.”

I don’t even remember when we fell asleep, but I don’t want to unzip these bags. I want to sleep like this again tonight.

**Later**

Another day in the Badlands, dinner is being cooked, same old drill. The other family that was here has gone already, on their way to Yosemite. (I’ve never been there.)

Liam and I spent the day together while his parents went for a ten mile hike that we didn’t want to do. They headed out, leaving us with a map of where they were going and instructions to report them missing if they weren’t back by seven pm. Liam asked how we were supposed to do that without the car and his dad joked we were smart and we’d find a way.

The two of us lazed around this morning, reading and playing cards and eating the last of Liam’s Starbursts. When we got bored with that, we packed lunches and water and decided to hike around the campsite. There are some small hills here, and it’d be nearly impossible to get lost because the road is easy to find. We wrote a note and stuck it in the cooler in case his parents got back before we did.

We scrambled over some hills, going away from the road and our campsite, until we decided to stop at the top of one of them, where we could overlook the Badlands. We could barely see the campground, and only if we twisted a certain way. I had my camera and took several photos, but it was afternoon, and the bright sun sort of flattened everything out. The colors were duller and the shadows were too short, so I’m not sure the photos will be all that interesting. I really do want to get some of the long shadows of the sunrise. Maybe tomorrow.

We sat down and we ate in silence for a while, and I took some photos of Liam and he took some of me. I tried stretching my arms out to get a few of us together, but I had to hold the camera upside down and who knows what it focused on. I guess we’ll see.

We had one of those long conversations that meanders and isn’t really about anything. But two big things came up.

He started talking about his sister, about how she’d play games with him with he was a kid, how they moved so much that she was always the one friend he knew he’d have no matter where he was. I wasn’t saying much because I was thinking about how I wished I could have that with Greg, and then he said he wanted to tell me something but he wasn’t sure how I’d react.

I said to go ahead and he started telling me about one of the girls in his group of friends in California. Her name was Katie, and he wasn’t really close to her, but she was in the friend group. He said one day she asked if they could talk. He said yeah, and she told him she was pregnant.

Liam said he wasn’t sure why she told him, but he asked if there was anything he could do to help. Katie started crying, said that the guy who got her pregnant went to another school and had dumped her, and she was about two months along and didn’t want to tell her parents. She also didn’t want to do adoption. She asked if he could help.

I asked how he was supposed to help and he said he had no idea. He let Katie cry on his shoulder a bit, and then he went home and told Ruth, because he didn’t know what else to do.

Well, Ruth asked to talk to Katie, and she helped Katie get an abortion. She could get it without telling her parents, but she didn’t have the money for it. Ruth went to the doctor with her, helped her find a sliding fee place, held her hand while it was done, and took care of her after. Then she helped her get on the pill.

I was sort of stunned and asked how old Ruth was. He said she was a senior in high school at the time, and asked what I thought.

I said I thought she was pretty fucking amazing for helping out a stranger like that, especially when she was so young herself.

He looked out over the landscape and said, “Ruth does the right thing. She always wants to help people.” Before I could say anything, he said, “I hope she’s OK with me being gay.”

I asked if he thought she would be and he said yeah, but that he wanted to tell her face-to-face, when she could meet me. I admit, my heart jumped when he said that, because it means he wants to stay with me.

My tongue got stuck in my mouth and I wanted to tell him, I wanted to say that I want to stay with him, that I know he’s my first boyfriend, but I know how I feel, but… I didn’t. I couldn’t. I just twisted the plastic baggie from my lunch around my thumb and said that I hope she’s OK with him being gay too, and I want to meet her.

He asked me how I knew I was ready to come out to Louis and Zayn.

Well shit. I never really got to choose. It just kind of happened. I told him it was really Louis who made me feel like I could tell him, that Louis stuck up for gay marriage in class after I tried to, and that he dropped hints that made me think he knew I was gay. I told him that Louis was asking Zayn questions and that made Zayn think Louis was gay. I never really got to choose to tell them.

He asked if I was mad at Louis for that, and I pulled my knee up and rested my chin on it. I said no, because I felt safe with Louis, and it made coming out easier. I did say it made me wonder if other people can tell I’m gay, but I know that people don’t bug me because I’m friends with Louis.

Liam said he was sorry we had to hide our relationship. I shrugged and said even if Louis and Zayn knew, we’d be hiding it from Harry and everyone else at school and our parents. I said I’m not ready to tell my parents, that I don’t know how to tell them. My grandparents are Catholic, they’ll freak out, it’s a sin, all that shit.

I started thinking about the other stuff, too, that I’m afraid of disappointing my parents. I’m afraid Mom will cry when she realizes that means no fancy wedding, no grandkids. My chest started to feel tight, and my eyes watered. I wiped them, said the wind made them teary.

Liam nodded and wiped his own eyes, said the wind was doing the same thing to him.

I finally cleared my throat and said, “Mom already had one son who isn’t normal. I’m the second one.”

Liam looked at me liked he’d been slapped and I started full on crying. He scooted next to me and took me in a big hug and I just cried on his shoulder and he stroked my hair and said shh, shh, and I cried until everything was gone and I wiped my nose on my sleeve because I didn’t have anything else with me.

When I could finally breathe again, he leaned against my shoulder, held my hand and said, “At least we get to not be normal together.”

I said I was sorry for saying that, sorry if I hurt his feelings, and he said he was sorry I never got the brother I wanted.

We stayed liked that for a long time, until the shadows finally came out again and it was nearing six.

When we finally got up to leave, my legs were tight from sitting that way for so long. We went down the hill slowly, bending our knees and trying not to slip on the dry, sandy rocks.

I wanted to tell him then. I mouthed it to the back of his head. I rehearsed what I’d say a thousand times in my head, thought of how it would sound. I wanted to say it before we got back to the campsite. I kept promising myself I’d say it in ten more steps, just blurt it out. But ten steps became twenty and then thirty and then my steps were in the hundreds and thousands and we were back at the campsite and I couldn’t say it.

What if he doesn’t feel the same way?

It’s like a pounding in my ribs, it’s pushing all of the air out of me. I have to say it. I don’t know when or how, but I have to say it. Fuck, it’s hard to breathe.

 

**Thursday, March 25th**

I was in a quiet mood after writing last night, and Liam’s mom asked if I was homesick. I said no, I was just thinking about the future and stuff. She assumed I meant college, and started talking about that.

(I meant her son.)

I was tired last night, and so was Liam, and we both turned in a little earlier than normal. Liam stretched his arm out so I could curl up against him and rest my head on his bicep. He stroked my back and I closed my eyes and imagined we were in our own bedroom in the future.

We didn’t talk much at all, just made out. I wanted to rub my body up against his, but at the same time, I didn’t want to ruin the moment. I did put my hand on his chest under his shirt. Kissing him like that felt perfect the way it was, all soft and gentle, a long make out session. I want more of those.

I’m not sure when we fell asleep, but when I woke up this morning we were sleeping shoulder to shoulder and his hand was on my thigh. I stayed there as long as I could before I finally got up to use the pit toilet.

We’re going for a “family hike” this morning. That’s what his mom said last night, “You’re in the family now, Niall!”

**Later**

Liam’s family is teaching me a weird number of life survival skills.

We went for a five mile hike today. It was a lot of fun. We fell into pairs where I was hiking with Liam’s mom and he was with his dad. His mom told me some stories about him as a kid, stuff like he had a fish tank that he would gaze at for hours, and how scared he was when his dad got deployed to Iraq. Listening to her talk made the hike go by pretty quickly, and it was nice and quiet. We saw some antelopes, which was super cool!

Even though it was cool out, we worked up a sweat on the hike, and when we got back to our site, Liam’s dad said to grab a change of clothes because we were going into town to shower.

I thought we would go to a motel again, but instead we went to Flying J’s rest stop, and we bought trucker showers. I can’t wait to explain this to Mom and Dad! It was awesome! We paid for showers and got assigned numbers, and then we each got to use these individual shower rooms. They were super clean and nicer than the hotel we went to. And the water was hot and the soap smelled pretty decent too. It felt so good after that hike!

The only con was unlike the motel room, I couldn’t make out with Liam afterwards.

Liam’s dad was eyeing the buffet, but we ended up going into town for a proper lunch. Liam asked if we could go to a bookstore and we found a used one and browsed there for a while. Liam found a book of card tricks and bought that, and I got a Variety puzzle magazine. I like puzzles for the car, when I’m not writing.

Now we’re back at the campsite and Liam’s trying to do card tricks. His parents said later we’re going to drive the main road on the park around sunset to get some photos (I’ll bring my camera) and then we’re going stargazing.

I’m excited!

**Even Later**

We went stargazing and it was super cool and I’m very sleepy and Liam is using the toilet and will be back soon so I need to quit writing and—

I have to tell him before this trip is over. I can’t go back to school without him knowing.

 

**Friday, March 26th**

We’re driving to Wind Cave so I have some time to write.

The problem is I don’t know where to start.

I guess I should start with the stargazing.

There’s an open-air amphitheater in the park (close to the campground, but you can’t see it from here). Of course it wasn’t being used for anything since nobody’s here in the off-season. The amphitheater has a bunch of benches all in a circle, and we all staked out our spots and laid (lay?) down and looked at the stars. I ~~laid~~ ~~lay~~ picked my bench first and I thought Liam would choose the one next to me, but he walked right past me and picked a spot about 15 feet away.

I was kind of hurt and then I felt stupid for being so hurt.

It took me a minute to find the North Star because everything was in a slightly different spot. I found the constellations I know, and I don’t know that many. Then I curled up under one of the blankets we’d brought. I listened to the wind and looked at the stars.

Liam’s parents pointed out a few stars and Liam asked if I had found the Virgo constellation. I didn’t even know there was such a constellation. His dad said that it’s a huge constellation and usually easiest to see in the spring. Liam tried to describe it, but I still couldn’t see it, until he came over, crouched down next to me, and said, “Here, I’ll help you.”

His breath was warm and it made me shiver. His face was right next to mine and I wanted to kiss him. I couldn’t, of course.

He pointed and I followed his hand with my eyes before I pointed, too (in the wrong spot). He touched my wrist and pointed to the Big Dipper. He explained which stars we were looking for and said, “Follow the arc to Arcturus, then speed on to Spica.” As he talked, he moved my arm with his until he finally stopped and whispered, “Right… there.”

I bit my cheek and nodded, then turned and looked at him. He smiled at me and squeezed my shoulder. He said, “I’ll move so we can look together.” He went and got his blanket, then laid down on the bench next to me. I could feel myself smiling and I wanted to touch him. I pulled the blanket under my chin and asked how he knew so much about the constellations.

He said that he was really interested in astronomy when he was in fifth and sixth grade and he studied as many books as he could.

When I first started looking, the sky seemed black with many stars. But the longer I stayed out there, the more colors—and stars—I could see. My eyes adjusted until I could see blues and purples and pinks in the sky, even though it was nighttime. It reminded me of Liam, actually. I feel like I’m getting to know him bit by bit, his past and his thoughts coming out the longer I look at him.

We stayed out until Liam started shivering. We went back to the car and his parents asked for ten more minutes. The light of the car hurt my eyes, it was so bright. I was glad when we closed the door and it was dark again. We sat in the back seat with both blankets over us, trying to look and act normal.

I looked out the window and thanked him for showing me the Virgo. He asked me if I knew he had chosen the bench away from me just to look normal.

I looked at him and said no, I didn’t know that.

He said he wanted it to look like we were just friends, but he figured he would call me over at some point, he just hadn’t decided how when he saw the constellation.

I grinned and called him sneaky.

He pushed his hand under my thigh and wiggled his fingers and said, “Wish I could sneak a kiss in.”

I rubbed his hip and said, “Not sure your parents can see us from where they are…”

Liam craned his neck and said, “Quick, kiss me.”

I started to laugh because I was just joking, but when I turned to say so his mouth was on mine, soft and wet, for a fleeting moment. It reminded me of when we kissed for the first time, and it made my whole body ache.

I closed my eyes and put my head back against the seat and told him I really liked making out last night. I heard him lean back and he said he liked it too. We were quiet like that for a few more minutes until his parents came back to the car.

When we were finally back in the tent, I felt shy again, like when we first kissed. It was much warmer tonight than last night, but we still shared a sleeping bag. I only had on one layer of pajamas though and Liam decided to do the same thing.

We started kissing and the tip of his nose was cold on my cheek and his hands were hot under my shirt. The nylon of the sleeping bag was rustling and his skin was soft under my fingers.

We were lying next to each other, half facing each other and half on our backs. I couldn’t see him very well in the dark, but it didn’t matter because we somehow kept finding each other’s mouths and when we didn’t exactly, we were still kissing each other’s faces.

I was touching his chest and stomach, and he was touching my back and my waist. We stayed like that for a long time, kissing and touching, but then I started stroking his stomach a little lower.

(I’m trying to remember all of this and it’s hard to know exactly what to write. I close my eyes, and my body can feel it, but I feel funny writing everything out, but I also don’t want to forget.)

I could feel little hairs under his belly button and I kind of scratched them lightly and I could hear his breath catching. It made my heart beat faster and I felt his breathing change, and I started playing with his waistband.

Liam bucked his hips up and it made him bump against my arm. I didn’t say anything, but I rocked myself toward him and he put his hands on my stomach, too. He didn’t move his hips again for a little while and then he did it again, so I rubbed against him again. It turned into like… a game of dare or something, where one of us would touch lower or rub our dick against the other.

We kept kissing while we were doing that and I could feel him breathe harder sometimes, or hold his breath. I know I was doing the same thing.

It felt… incredible. (Incredible isn’t a big enough word for it, but it’s all I can think of right now.)

He whispered that he needed to move and shifted quickly, lifting his waist and butt up really high as he moved around in the sleeping bag. I used it as an excuse to grab his waistband, and I curled my fingers around the elastic and held on, and when he dropped his hips it made the elastic waistband pull and then snap back against him, and my arm and hand sort of fell on him. I could feel how hard he was against me and I stroked my fingertips against his pants.

I could feel the shape of his dick.

He inhaled, held his breath and then exhaled really slowly. As he did, he rubbed his hand down my stomach so his palm ran over my pajamas and across my dick too.

I groaned, quietly, and he whispered and asked if I was OK. I nodded and kissed him and said, “You feel good.”

He put his hand on me again, rubbing me through the fabric and I touched him too, leaving my hand there longer. We started kissing, soft and slow. Blood was rushing in my ears and I was throbbing and I know I was afraid of this before, of what would happen in the tent, but…

I wasn’t afraid.

I pressed my palm against the hairs on his stomach and pushed my fingertips under the waistband of his pants and underwear and his skin was so fucking warm. I wondered if my hand might be too cold. His body grew still but he kept kissing me, so I moved my hand even lower until I was touching the base of his dick.

I wrapped my fingers around him, trying to memorize exactly how it felt.

It was warm, it was hard, and his skin was smooth, smooth, smooth. I moved my hand up and down and it was so many feelings at once. The soft skin but then the rough hairs on him. I wanted to squeeze him and I wanted to take my hand away because it felt so different—his dick curves and mine doesn’t and it was such a strange feeling. (Not bad! Just… different).

His underwear and pajamas were getting in the way, so I started pulling them down. He helped, pushing his clothes down around his knees. The sleeping bag made it so we didn’t have a lot of room and I didn’t want to sit up because it would mean making us both cold, so the angle was a little funny, but he was kissing me and saying my name and groaning so that made me feel better. He cupped my dick through my clothes, which made it easier to focus just on him, and I started moving my hand, pretending I was touching myself.

My head was this whole mess of thoughts, mostly “oh my God” and “it’s his dick” and “sex, I’m having sex, we’re having sex,” but also… “Tell him, tell him, tell him.”

I forced myself not to tell him as I moved my hand faster. I could feel him straightening and relaxing his legs, and he kept squeezing an arm around me, crushing me against his body, and I just held on until he whisper-shouted “Oh God!” and then I felt him coming all over my hand.

He was panting and I was too and I couldn’t stop smiling.

I also didn’t know where to wipe off my hand, so I just sort of let it stay there for a few seconds and then I wiped it on my pants. He said, “Oh, sorry, I don’t have anything.” He started kicking off his pajamas and I hooked my foot against them and helped get them off. Ha! He wiped himself off and handed it to me and I wiped it against my pants and my hand even though I didn’t really care.

He kept mumbling, “Niall, Niall, Ni, Ni, Ni.” The way he said it made it feel like my name was a secret.

I ran my fingers through my hair and said, “Yes Liam, Liam, Li, Li, Li?”

He rolled over and kissed my neck and said, “I want to.”

Well God, my dick was aching, and it wasn’t like I was going to say no! I nodded and reached for my pants. He pushed my arms away and said to let him, and he pulled my clothes down and the next thing I knew, his fingers were on me.

I had imagined so many times what it would feel like, but when Liam was touching me it was different, because I didn’t know what he was going to do next. I didn’t know if he was going to move up or down, I didn’t know how much pressure he was going to use—and he uses his right hand, so that felt different, too. (I wonder if he noticed that my dick wasn’t curved like him.)

I tried kissing him, but it was hard to keep track of where I was when it felt like my whole body was in his hand, so I just held onto his back to keep him really close.

He kept doing some twisting thing with his hand and I realized I was saying “yes-yes-yes-yes-yes.” I couldn’t seem to stop talking, even when I knew I was doing it, and then Liam started making little noises in my ear and I didn’t worry about my own talking.

I was pushing up into his hand and my whole body started tingling all over and the pressure built in my stomach. I think he could tell, too, because he started moving faster and sucking on my ear lobe.

At the very end it seemed like the buzzy electric feeling lasted a lot longer than it usually does and when I came, it felt a lot better than when I’m alone.

I think it was ’cause it was him.

Him, him, him. Liam James Payne.

**Later**

I still can’t believe we did that.

(I can’t stop looking at Liam and grinning.)

**Even Later**

Wind Cave was pretty cool. Liam was totally into the geology and the tour group was very small so the guide answered a whole bunch of our questions. I got a little freaked out being in that tiny space. It was a little slippery and I was afraid of tweaking my knee or something, because it would be hard to get anyone out of there because it’s so narrow and small.

Liam’s mom noticed I was breathing deeply and asked if I was OK. I smiled at her and nodded, trying to convince us both I was. She acted like she believed me.

We were going to cook back at the campsite tonight, but the weather was so crazy today. It got up in the 70s but the wind was over 30 mph! So Liam’s parents decided to have dinner out tonight.

I am feeling weird about how much money his parents are spending on me on this trip. I told him that when we were alone but he told me not to worry about it and reminded me that my parents paid for the trip to Duluth. But I don’t know, it feels a little strange still.

Tonight we’re just hanging around the camp. The wind and temperature have finally dropped a little, but it’s dark so I’m going to read in bed. Tomorrow’s our last full day here. I need to tell him, but I’m sooooo nervous. What if he only thinks I’m saying it because of last night?

 

**Saturday, March 27th**

Last night Liam and I spent the evening in our tent. We both read and then we worked together on some puzzles in my magazine. We were both kind of quiet and we just kept smiling at each other. When we finally turned off our lantern and snuggled down into the sleeping bag, he said, “I had a lot of fun last night.”

Even though it was dark, I wanted to talk to him without being able to see him. So I said I had lot of fun too, and I kissed him and told him to roll over so I could spoon him. I curled against him—not at all worried about him feeling me now—and put my arm around his body. I kissed his shoulder and told him it was hard not to touch him all day.

He nodded, which make his hair brush against my nose. He took my hand and kissed my fingers and said it was hard for him, too. He was quiet, but it seemed like maybe he wanted to say something, so I didn’t talk. He finally asked if I was OK with what happened because of our talk before the trip started. It took me a minute to figure out he meant the talk where I said I was nervous about sharing a tent.

I tried to cover his whole back with my body. I kissed the back of his neck and said no, I wanted it. He kind of wiggled against me and said, “Good.”

I didn’t ask him if he considered himself a virgin anymore, even though I was dying to know. I guess I didn’t want to find out if he was counting something else. It counts to me.

We chatted about all sorts of dumb stuff for a while and just cuddled and touched each other and kissed. It was making me sleepy but I didn’t want to stop talking. He asked me what I thought about prom. I told him it was too bad we couldn’t go. He started wondering if maybe we should double date with another couple or go stag with Zayn and Louis. But I’m not sure if they’ll be stag.

I wish we could go together, but there’s just no way we can.

After we daydreamed for a few minutes about what it would be like to go together, we decided that we’d go out and have our own date, do something special. I told him my mom’s going to go on and on about what I’m missing out on.

He said, “I know.” His voice was soft and sounded a little hurt, and I didn’t mean it like that about Mom, but I didn’t know how to fix it.

I tried to make a joke, said the great thing is that since nobody knows, we can keep having sleepovers. He giggled and said he was looking forward to that.

We talked a little more about school and stuff, and our sentences got more and more drawn out until we finally fell asleep.

**Later**

I TOLD HIM!!!!!!

**Sunday, March 28th**

Wow, wow, where to start. I can’t stop smiling and this is bad because someone’s going to suspect something.

We’re on the way home. Liam is listening to his Discman and doing some of the puzzles in my book. We stopped at a pretty big gas station/truck stop and I found a clipboard and I think it’s going to make writing in a moving car a lot easier.

So. I told him, I told him, I told him—and it went soooooo well!

Yesterday’s weather was kind of crazy. It was clear in the morning and then overcast and then rainy and then it snowed! It was 70 on Friday and then snowing last night. Nuts!

We asked Liam’s parents what they wanted to do and they wanted to hang out and read and hike around the campsite. Liam wanted to go back to Prairie Dog Town and maybe go for a hike somewhere, too. They said we could borrow the car and we got a long lecture about being careful because it was supposed to rain later and watch for flash floods and don’t hike anywhere dumb and so on. His dad had a good idea—told us to bring two of the camp chairs so we could sit down and watch the dogs. I brought my tripod too.

We packed some lunches and grabbed snacks, then went to the visitor center and grabbed a couple bottles of pop and some water. We double checked the weather and they said it was supposed to rain, but just a little, so we weren’t too worried about it. I bought some film, too.

We went to Prairie Dog Town and nobody else was there, which we were expecting. We parked the car and then sat down in our camp chairs. I set up my tripod and camera and we waited. The dogs are used to visitors and not afraid at all, but I wanted them to get used to the tripod and camera.

We talked a little about the trip and all the stuff we’d seen. I told Liam it was a great mixture of seeing things—the burros, the cave, Mount Rushmore—and hanging out and having down time. He said it reminded him of Duluth, actually.

I hadn’t thought of that, but that trip was the same. Doing special stuff and doing normal hangout stuff.

I took some photos (two rolls of prairie dogs—yeah) and the whole time I was wondering when I was going to tell him. I practiced in my head. Just a few words. But it felt like it would be weird to tell him surrounded by… rodents.

It started to get cloudy and we decided to go on a hike. We chose a pretty short one with the idea that if it started raining it wouldn’t be too slippery or dangerous. That’s one of the things about the land here—it’s sandy and you can lose your footing easily.

We found the trail we wanted and hiked up the “wall” of the Badlands, then we had some paths to choose from. Liam chose the way and we walked until we found a place to stop and eat. It was overcast and it made the rock colors look softer, but it made the sky more interesting, not the flat blue that it’s looked like most days.

We ate our sandwiches and sort of chitchatted for a bit, nothing important. I felt like my stomach was hollow and empty even though I’d eaten and I was trying to listen to Liam, but it was hard.

We had found a spot hidden from the path and I was scanning the area, looking to see if anyone else was around. I saw a car in the distance, but nobody was around and we certainly couldn’t be seen by the campsite and we had the car.

I scooted closer to Liam so our sides were touching. He looked at me and grinned but looked around, too. I could feel his shoulder relax into mine eventually. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it and I put my head on his shoulder. I rubbed my thumb against his hand and he kind of turned his head a little toward me and asked if I was OK. I nodded, but inside I was screaming of course I’m OK!

He said, “You seem a little quiet. Are you, um, mad that I fell asleep last night?”

I was confused and I said, “We both fell asleep.”

He said something like, “We didn’t um… you know.”

As soon as he said it, I got what he meant and sat straight up so I could look at him. I said, “Oh, I didn’t think—”

Liam laughed and said something like, “Not that I was expecting—”

It was this weird awkward moment and we both laughed and he turned bright red and covered his face. He took a deep breath and put his hands in his lap and looked out at the valley and said, “I had a lot of fun that night.”

I put my head on his shoulder and said, “I’m really happy it was you.”

He took my hand again and said, “Me too. I… am really… It—you—felt amazing.”

I kind of buried my face into his shoulder, like rubbing my face against him and said, “You feel better than I do by myself.”

He kissed my head and said, “I thought that, too—it—yeah.”

I laughed and said, “Yeah.”

We got quiet and the wind was whipping up. It made the clouds move faster and I could see some rain in the distance. I couldn’t see any animals except for some birds, who were sort of flying in uneven patterns. Some of the scrubby brush was moving too. The rain didn’t look bad, but I was afraid I’d lose my nerve or Liam would want to get up.

I said, “I love you.”

I thought I was ready, but it came out quieter than I wanted and his back straightened and he said, “Hmm?” It was all quiet and soft when he said it.

I cleared my throat and felt tears springing up. I closed my eyes and said it again, a little bit louder. “I love you.”

I wanted to add “and not because we had sex!” but that would have been really weird. Still, it was so hard not to say it and then I heard—

“Oh God…” And then the looooooongest pause eveeeeeeeeer and—“I love you, too.”

I said, “You do?”

He jerked his shoulder up so my head moved and he nodded and said, “Yes, and not just because of Thurs—”

“No, it’s not that—” I started crying these like… weird tears of happiness and relief?

He held up his hands and said, “Don’t cry, I don’t think—”

I started laughing and shaking my head and wiping my eyes and I said I didn’t know why I was crying. But I saw his eyes were kind of shiny, too. He said it was the wind, which was such a lie and I loved him for it.

He took my cheeks in his hands and it reminded me of Duluth, when he touched my cheeks by the lake and my whole body felt like this… swirl… And I could remember truth or dare and all of the Starburst, and the rocks were moving under me, and he said, “I have been trying to figure out how to tell you. I have known for a while.”

I tried to nod but his hands were kind of tight and I said, “I wanted to tell you before this trip, but I was scared.”

He wiped his eye really quick and I pretended not to see it and then his hand was right back on my face, all hot, and he nodded and said, “I was too.”

Then we kissed, one of those long kisses that felt like it wasn’t going to end, and I could have stayed there forever but it did start raining and we packed up to go.

We didn’t talk much on the car ride back to the campsite.

We didn’t need to.

**Later**

It snowed last night. Liam set his alarm really early since I never got my sunrise photos (or my star trails—oh well!), and we woke up and took some photos. I thought we’d only be out there a few minutes, but the light sparkled on the snow, which looked like frost.

He didn’t tell me he had set his alarm. I thought it was sweet of him.

We’re driving back home today and we stopped at Wall Drug, which is just this gigantic tourist trap in Wall. They have a ton of billboards on the road advertising free ice water because that’s how they gained customers way back when they opened in the 1930s. It’s just store after store after store and a very weird play area in the back and ice water.

It was super cheesy and it was kind of fun, actually.

Now we’re heading home. We may stop at the Corn Palace. Yes. Corn. As a palace. But now I’m going to try and nap.

**Later Later**

I don’t know what to say about the Corn Palace. It’s a building that they cover with corn and other grains (and seeds maybe?). Inside it’s got seating for concerts and things and I can’t imagine what acts are coming to the Corn Palace. Every year they change the design and we couldn’t stay for long but Liam’s parents took our picture in front of the Palace and he put his hand around my back so I put mine on his, too. I must look so excited to be there!

(We did buy a whole bunch of popcorn!)

**Later Later Later**

I am home! I am showered. My clothes are all in the washing machine and we had Wendy’s for dinner and I’m tired and…

Liam helped me bring my stuff into my bedroom. He closed the door and kissed me quickly and I said we probably couldn’t get away with talking on the phone tonight. He said, “Probably not.”

Mom was calling for me to bring down my dirty laundry, so I kissed him again and told him to have sweet dreams. He wiggled his eyebrows and told me to too. Then he said, “I love you, Niall.”

I said I loved him too and I sort of floated down the stairs with my hamper.

I love him, he loves me, and I’m so happy!

Now I’m going to go to bed, but first I’m going replay Thursday night in my head.

My bed feels so big.

I already miss him.

 

**Monday, March 29th**

I hate going to school after a break, but every time I thought about Liam today, I got a warm feeling in my stomach and at lunch when Louis asked how our trip was, Liam was telling him about everything we did (well… not everything). Something about hearing him talk about the whole trip felt really good, like he had as much fun as I did.

Oh, and Louis found out he got into MCAD (the art school)! And Zayn got into St. Thomas. (I don’t think he’s snobby enough to go there.)

 

**Tuesday, March 30th**

At dinner Mom asked why I never talk about Harry anymore. I didn’t know how to answer that, but I felt like I had to say something, so I told her we had a falling out. She looked like she was going to ask what it was about, but she didn’t.

She did ask why I haven’t had Louis or Zayn over lately. I told her I was going to the mall with everyone on Friday.

 

**Thursday, April 1st**

I fucking hate April Fool’s Day. The kids try to prank the teachers and everyone at school is on edge and I don’t get the point of it.

At lunch today I asked Louis and Zayn and Liam if they wanted to go to the mall this Friday. They said sure. Nobody brought up Harry.

OK, but I have bigger news.

I went to work last night, and it was actually really nice to see Sarah. I missed her. I dropped of my film before I started and picked it up on my break. I got doubles again (to give Liam a set) and a lot of the pictures came out really well! Some didn’t, but I got a lot of good ones. The sunrise ones were great, and I got some nice ones of him when we were on our hike. There’s one where the burro’s tongue is right out against the glass, but he (?) is a little out of focus. Still, it’s a pretty good picture.

The bookstore was dead and I was sorting the pictures into two piles when Sarah asked if she could see them. I nodded and she started flipping through one stack, asking me questions about them. I was telling her about the photos and then we started talking about the trip. I could feel myself smiling and I couldn’t stop.

At first Sarah was asking questions, but then I started talking and just… kept talking. When I was still talking about Tuesday, she interrupted me and asked if I’d had dinner. I said no, that I had been finishing up a project and Mom had made me a plate of leftovers. She told me to take care of the store and left. She came back about fifteen minutes later with a pepperoni pizza from Little Caesars (“Pizza! Pizza!”), crazy bread (two orders!), and two Cokes.

She put the food down on the counter, far away from the door. She scribbled “Closed Early—Sorry for the Inconvenience” on a piece of paper, taped it to the door, turned off most of the lights, and told me to eat. Before she joined me, she put the photos back in their envelopes and said she didn’t want them to get greasy.

Then she sat down and said, “OK, keep telling me about the trip.”

I just sort of stared at her for a minute and she said, “Oh, and you’re still getting paid. It’s dead. I want to hear about the trip and my lunch sucked. So, you were talking about burros and Mount Rushmore.”

I told her about Mount Rushmore and then… I don’t know what made me think I could do this, but I said, “I want to tell you something, but I need you to keep it a secret.”

I said it all in a rush (I think to make myself say it) but then I couldn’t take it back and I (almost? really?) wished I hadn’t said it at all.

She nodded and took a swig of her pop and kept looking at her pizza. She said, “Shoot.”

I took a deep breath and it was like I couldn’t figure out how to say it. I wondered if it was going to be OK, because I thought it probably would be, but if it wasn’t, I was going to have to explain why I lost my job. But then I remember how she didn’t freak out when I was reading The Advocate.

All of those thoughts were swirling around in my head, and then Sarah said my name, quietly, and glanced at me, then looked back at her pizza. She picked a piece of pepperoni off and said something like, “You don’t have to tell me your secrets. Not now, not tonight, not ever if you don’t want.”

The “not ever” got to me. I don’t want this to be an always and forever secret.

I said I wanted to tell her but I was scared.

She asked if I was hurt, or if someone I knew was hurt, and I said it was nothing like that, that it was “nothing bad.”

I swallowed hard and I was so fucking nervous and I thought about trying to explain who Liam was or something, but I just said it.

“I’m gay.”

She looked up from her pizza and said, “Thanks for telling me.” She had a soft smile on her face but her words sounded… almost solemn. Then she said, “Thanks for trusting me.”

I sort of half laughed and said, “Thanks for not telling my parents.”

“I won’t tell anyone.”

Then I could feel my face break in this huge grin because it felt so good to say it. (Will it always feel that good? Or does that wear off?) I said, “And Liam’s my boyfriend.”

She smiled and said in a teasing way, “Oh is he now?”

I laughed and said I was pretty sure she knew that and she said she had wondered “a little bit.” I asked if it was that obvious, and she said no, it was because of the way I talked about him and that she had seen me looking at GLBT+ magazines. She asked if we became boyfriends on this trip and I told her no, back in Duluth.

We talked more, about a whole bunch of stuff. I told her that I’d come out to Louis and Zayn because I felt like I had to because Louis was hinting. I told her about what happened with Harry and wow, I’m surprised at how annoyed I still am by that. (She said she wished she had advice.) She asked me if love Liam and before I could even answer she said I was blushing. I told her yes, and that I had told him and he’d said it back. She told me about her first love, and we talked until the normal closing time and then a little past it, so I had to call my mom and tell her I was going to be a little late.

When we closed up the store she gave me a big hug and thanked me for telling her and trusting her. She ruffled my hair and told me she was proud of me.

I’m proud of myself, too.

 

**Friday, April 2nd**

I got my acceptance letter to Mac today!! I can’t believe it! They’re even giving me a scholarship! I was jumping around the kitchen screaming on the phone to Liam about it. I am so excited!

I wanted to send in my deposit and acceptance right away but Mom and Dad are making me be “responsible” and making me wait to see what other schools say.

Who cares what other schools say? I got in!

(Also, I had sex for the first time a week ago!)

**Later**

Hung out with Liam, Louis, and Zayn tonight at the mall. We did the usual, wandering around, playing at the arcade, checking out the movies, eating in the food court.

I know Liam isn’t out, and I know we wouldn’t hold hands in public even if he was, because we can’t, but I do wish that Louis and Zayn knew because sometimes I feel a little wound up.

Louis is already thinking of prom and whoever the lucky lady is going to be. I say already, but the girls have been talking about it for weeks. When we were eating in the food court, he was talking about planning an after-party at a hotel. He asked if we were going to prom. Zayn said yeah and looked at me.

I shrugged. “I’m obviously not going.”

“You should go,” Louis said.

I told him I didn’t want to go and he said I should go stag, and it would be fun. He said maybe we could all go stag and Zayn made a sarcastic comment about how Louis wouldn’t skip the chance to take a girl out. Louis protested and said he didn’t always need a girl and who was Zayn to talk. Then they tried to get Liam on their side and he shot me a miserable look and I knew I had to say something.

I held up my hands and said, “I don’t want to go to prom if I can’t go with a date and I can’t go with a date, so stop!”

Louis looked at Zayn, kind of panicked and said, “We can find a girl—”

“Why?”

Louis sort of gaped at me for a long second, and then said so I could have a date.

I said I wanted a real date and Zayn started to say she would be a real date and that’s when I realized they were trying to cover for me and I said, “He knows, you guys. Liam knows.”

Louis got annoyed I hadn’t told him Liam knew and Zayn asked when I told Liam and Liam took over and said “it came up” and immediately changed the subject back to prom. He said he wasn’t really interested in going to prom because it was expensive even to go stag and he’d already gone in California (I didn’t know that). He asked Louis if he could show up to the after-party and then started asking questions about Senior Skip Day.

Zayn was still stuck on Liam knowing I’m gay and said it would’ve been “easier” if I’d told them that I’d told Liam. (Jesus, Zayn, sorry to make your life so fucking hard.)

Before I could say anything, Liam looked straight at Louis and said, “Sorry, thought you knew.”

Holy fucking shit.

Louis looked like he’d been slapped. Liam didn’t even say it (really) mean or anything, but there was no room to argue with him, the way he said it, and Lou just… shut up. Zayn looked at all of us and mumbled something about needing more napkins. He left the table and there was this weird, tense quiet and I couldn’t even figure out what the hell was going on.

Liam looked angry and I felt caught in the middle and then Louis said something about not “presuming to know anything.”

Zayn came back right around then and said, “I know something. You’re being assholes. Liam, don’t assume Louis knows anything. He’s stupid, and I can say that because I’ve known him forever.” He looked at Louis and shushed him and said, “And you knew about Niall for months before I did and you hid it. Because you know it’s Niall’s story, and it’s not about you. So Liam did the same thing, so? And it was dumb of me to say something about it being ‘easier,’ because I don’t know how hard it is. So I’m sorry.” He tossed the napkins on the table and said, “You know what? The only thing we all need to know is that Niall trusts us. And I want ice cream. Are you guys done?”

Louis shrugged and nodded and Liam did the same and Zayn grabbed my wrist and said we’d get the ice cream and dragged me off to “let those bastards sort it out.”

We took a long time to choose the flavors and Zayn kept looking at the table. I said I couldn’t tell him earlier and he cut me off and said he knew and saying it would have been easier “didn’t come out right.” I was trying to sort out what had happened, because I still wasn’t sure. By the time we got back to the table, Louis and Liam were having a (slightly frosty conversation) about their families.

The mall closed pretty soon after that and I drove everyone home. Liam was the closest so I dropped him off first but I couldn’t say anything about calling him. I dropped off Louis next and then Zayn and when I got home, Mom asked how it was. I said OK, but that Harry couldn’t come. Then I said I was tired and came up to my room.

I wish I could call Liam, but we didn’t make any plans for a call.

 

**Saturday, April 3rd**

I called Liam before I left work today, asked if I could see him tonight. He told me to come over for dinner, and Mom said it was fine and just to call her before midnight if I was going to sleep over.

When I got there, Liam’s mom was still making dinner and we went up to his room. As soon as we closed the door I started to apologize for not calling. He kissed me so I couldn’t speak and said shh, shh.

I told him I was confused and didn’t know why he and Louis had been angry at each other. He stepped away and said, “Can we just not talk about Louis or being out or college or anything else tonight?”

I said I felt like I was in the middle and Liam promised he would call Louis and said he would make it better.

I started picking at my cuticles and said I don’t like it when my friends fight. He took my hands and rubbed them between his own and asked me to believe him.

Oh. Well. OK.

We kissed again and oh, I wanted to be back in that tent. When we were able to kiss every night. We made out on his bed, until his mom yelled that dinner was ready. I had to will my dick to get soft, fast.

It was taco night, with piles and piles of toppings. I was trying to eat neatly and the taco shells kept breaking and Liam’s mom asked why I was taking such small bites. I tried to answer and got tongue-tied trying to explain because nobody else seemed to have a problem/care about being messy. She said something about how if we’ve gone camping together we can break our taco shells together.

After dinner we played some video games and Liam’s mom called up the stairs and asked if I was sleeping over. I looked at Liam and he yelled back yes. I kissed him and grinned like an idiot for a while after that.

Since I didn’t have any pajamas he loaned me his. He asked his mom if they had any unopened toothbrushes, and she dug one out of a cabinet and said that I should just leave it there. I thought she was kidding until she found a Sharpie and wrote a big N on it. It’s funny that Liam’s parents don’t know he’s gay or we’re a couple, yet I have a toothbrush at his house.

When we went to bed, it felt so good to be next to him again. I didn’t realize how much my body (and heart?) had gotten used to sleeping next to him. We started kissing and it brought me right back to the tent, except it was easier to move, and we didn’t have to worry about the sound of the nylon sleeping bags.

We kissed and sort of did that same teasing game we did in the tent, touching each other closer and closer. Except it was a little different because we weren’t at all shy about “brushing” against each other. His fingers feel so good, even through fabric, and I got really hard. I was touching him too, but he jerked me off first, and even though it was mostly dark in the room, some light came through the window, and we had the blanket pushed down. I could watch his hand move over me and I tried to memorize what it looked like, even though it was a little hard to see. I wanted to think about it the next time I was alone. He breathed in my ear again and I like how he sounds when we’re… yeah.

I came all over my stomach and he gave me a washcloth from his nightstand. I asked if he normally kept them in his nightstand and he told me to stop teasing him. Ha ha.

I pulled his pants off and I could see him enough and I know I touched him before, but being able to see him was a little different. I pressed myself against him and tried to add that little wrist twist he does. He kept biting his lip and pushing his heels against the mattress. He felt so full and hot and I like how his skin feels—it’s smooth and soft and the veins on him look different then they do on me.

I made him come and when he was pulsing under my hand, I didn’t want to let go of him. Ever.

(I like how he sounds when we’re… having sex? Fucking? Getting off? Making love? I don’t know what to say.)

 

**Monday, April 5th**

Harry wants to talk to me about prom. I want to put this off as long as possible. I told him I’d stop by the newspaper office Friday.

And I got into the U of M. Liam got his letter today, too, and he got in.

I thought for sure I was going to go to Mac, but the U is offering me a decent scholarship. I haven’t gotten Mac’s financial aid package yet. Ugh. I want to go to Mac, but I know that my parents can’t really afford it.

I want to puke.

 

**Tuesday, April 6th**

Liam didn’t have much homework today and neither did I, so we went to Café Zev to do some of it. It was quieter than on the weekends, and we were able to push two tables together to spread out our stuff.

We actually got quite a bit of studying done and decided to grab dinner. But first Liam asked if I wanted to pop by that gay bookstore around the corner from the shop. We browsed again, and I spent a little time looking at the cards. They have romantic birthday cards, flirty ones. Sometimes the language was just like something you’d find on a drugstore card, but they had two men (or women) kissing on the card. It made me wonder why people think we’re so different.

I also looked at the books and I wasn’t as embarrassed to see the ones about sex, probably because of my sorting out the books at the AIDS Project, but also because we’ve had sex. Ha!

We grabbed burgers for dinner. While we were there, I told Liam that I told Sarah about me. I hadn’t told him because I thought he’d be mad because telling her about me meant telling her about him, too. But he wasn’t mad, just interested in if my job was OK. I was relieved he wasn’t angry, and he said something I hadn’t thought of.

He said that if he told Louis or Zayn (or Harry—he said that part rushed) then it would almost mean telling them about me, too.

Oh. Yeah. I guess it’s one thing to hide from your friends that you’re dating when one (or both) of you are in the closet, but it would be a dick thing to do if we were both out.

So he’s right, but… I don’t know. Hmm. I love him. But I don’t want his coming out to be about me. And I don’t want him to feel like he has to tell them because of me. I told him that and he said he knew that. He said he wondered if we should tell them together, or if maybe he should tell them alone.

I asked if he was thinking of telling them soon and he rubbed his eyes and said he didn’t know.

I told him that I would do whatever he wanted. I could be there, or he could tell them alone. I even said he could tell them about himself and not mention me, but he said he thought they might ask, especially now that they know he knows about me.

He asked what I thought about him coming out to Harry. Ugh. The thought makes me sick. I didn’t even have to say anything. I gave him a look and he said, “Yeah, I wasn’t planning on it, just thought I’d ask.”

We talked about school stuff for a while and then I finally took him home. Before we pulled out of the parking lot, I kissed him and told him I wished he could sleep over on a school night. He rubbed my thigh and said he wanted that, too.

We’re both volunteering at the AIDS Project Saturday (!!). Maybe I can have him over Friday after I talk to Harry. A good way to end a day I’m dreading?

 

**Thursday, April 8th**

We told our parents we needed to do a project for school and that we’re volunteering at some park clean up to get our hours for school (lies, lies) and he’s coming over tomorrow!

 

**Friday, April 9th**

Talk with Harry today. I’m dreading this. But Liam! Liam, Liam, Liam!

**Later**

Harry wanted to let me know that he asked Rebecca to prom. I said I figured since they were dating, and tried not to roll my eyes.

He said he wanted me to hear it from him.

I got so angry. I asked him how many times I had to tell him I didn’t care about Rebecca and I don’t care who she dates or who he dates. Well, I guess I offended him because he got all defensive and said she was a nice girl and why was I so mean about her? What wasn’t there to like?

Nobody else was in the newspaper office and I sat down at one of the tables and put my head down and started muttering that he didn’t get it.

He said that he didn’t get why I was so weird whenever he brought up Rebecca and I said I didn’t get why he brought her up all the time, and was he wanting to go to battle for her or something? What was the point of constantly acting like I want her when she obviously likes him enough to go out with him. I said it made him seem jealous, but I couldn’t figure out exactly what he’d be jealous about.

Then I said, “Does she want to go with me? Is that why you keep asking?”

Oh, that pissed him off. He told me to go fuck myself and I started to get up to leave (thinking “I don’t need to fuck myself, I have someone who can do that for me” the whole time), but before I could get to the door, he blocked it and said he was telling me because we used to be best friends and he thought I “might give a shit.”

He said something about how he couldn’t tell where things went wrong or what he’d done and he was sorry for finding that note, but that he couldn’t figure out why I was pissed when I was the one hiding who I was dating from my best friend.

He said something like, “What the fuck happened with us? What did I do?”

I was so close to telling him, but my eyes started stinging and I knew if I opened my mouth, I’d just cry. I shoved his arm out of the way and jammed my shoulder against his so he’d let me leave.

I got to my car and started it up and drove around the corner. I parked the car so I could calm down, but I’m still surprised I managed to get home without getting in a wreck because I was shaking the whole time. When I pulled into my driveway, I started bawling.

Liam’s coming over in an hour or so and I’m a mess. My eyes are red and puffy and I’m hiding from my parents. I was so excited to see him, but now I just sort of want to be left alone.

 

**Saturday, April 10th**

Ugh. I was not a very nice boyfriend last night.

Liam came over and I was just kind of off the whole time. Mom even asked what was wrong, and I blamed it on having to choose schools. Dad’s pressuring me to choose the U because my scholarship there is good, and it would save us a lot of money. I want to go to Mac because I’ve always dreamt of going there. And Mom’s trying to stay out of it, but I am pretty sure she’s worried about money too.

When we were done with dinner, Liam and I went to my room to work on our fake class project. We turned up the radio so my parents wouldn’t hear that we weren’t talking about school, but even making out I was sort of distracted. He finally asked how it went with Harry (I think he was waiting for me to bring it up) and I told him.

Liam asked if it would be so bad if I told Harry I’m gay. I told him “my stomach churns at the thought.” He said that it might be the only way to sort through things. He said Harry knows I’m angry about something but doesn’t know what, and Liam asked if it was really fair that I was expecting Harry to figure it out. He said that Harry wasn’t a bad guy and he was trying to be friends with me but I was the one pulling back.

I told Liam he didn’t understand how hard it was to come out since he’d never done it and oh shit, he looked so hurt. He said fine, that he’d tell Harry or Zayn or Louis or whoever I wanted and he grabbed the phone and shook it and told me to tell him who to call. I yanked the phone away from him and said no. We just stared at each other, both of us breathing heavy for a minute. He said he should go and I said fine (even though it wasn’t), and my voice didn’t even crack at the end.

He stood there and his face kind of crumpled and he asked if that was what I really wanted.

I sat on the bed, facing away from him, and shook my head no. My hands were shaking and my legs were trembling and it’s not just about Harry. It’s Harry and college and the fact that when we were younger, we always said we’d be roommates. It’s Harry and church and the friends we used to have. It’s how Harry could’ve asked Rebecca out a long time ago if I’d just been honest. It’s about how he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings but I’m hiding so he can’t.

It’s Harry and God and how he’s on God’s good side and I’m not.

I started picking at my nails. I asked him who his oldest friend was.

He said Ruth.

I told him I asked for a friend, not his sister. It came out really mean.

He sat on the other side of the bed and whispered that his sister was the only friend he could keep because he moved so much. He said that it would have been Scott, maybe, but that, well…

I felt like such a jerk. I hadn’t… I have lived here my whole life and it’s so boring. I thought his life was better, because he got to live all these different places, and he got to move whenever things got boring. I hadn’t thought that maybe that boring was a sort of comfort.

He said he got why I was scared to tell Harry, because he was scared to tell Ruth. He said maybe he should tell Harry first. I said I was afraid Harry would tell him he was going to hell. Liam turned around on the bed, and I did too. He sort of chuckled and said at least we’d go to hell together.

It wasn’t funny, but he looked so hopeful when he said it that it made me laugh.

I apologized for being a jerk and turned off all of the lights except the nightstand lamp. We cuddled up on the bed together so I was spooning him and had one hand against his chest, holding his hand.

I told him more about Harry, how we were the best of friends, how we would go to church together and get in trouble at Sunday School. (How he became more sure of God right when I was realizing that, well, God wasn’t for me.) I told him all sorts of things, like how we’d walked out on the stream thinking it was frozen and the ice was too thin and I’d fallen in and thought I’d drown. How Harry jumped in and got me out and how we walked back to my house with our clothes freezing to us and how we’d sat around in my underpants watching TV and hoping our clothes dried before my mom came home and asked us what had happened. (Liam couldn’t believe we never told anyone, and telling him the story, it did seem strange. God, that was so fucking scary.)

He asked me if I’d ever had a crush on Harry and before I could answer he started laughing and said he guessed not. I said no, never, and eww, and he said my whole body had twisted in a sort of horror at the question.

(A crush on Harry? That’d be like… having a crush on my brother. Ick.)

We were quiet for a while and Liam asked if he could tell Harry he was gay. He said that he wouldn’t say anything about me. I asked what if Harry wondered about me, because we are obviously best friends and he said he wouldn’t tell, unless I wanted him to. We kind of went in circles like that until he told me his mind was made up.

I told him I was afraid of Harry’s response and he kissed my fingers and told me it was OK.

We stayed up a lot longer, talking about Zayn and Louis and teachers and colleges. I told him I think I have to go to the U, because I don’t want to take out all of the loans I’d need for Macalester. I can live on campus, or off, and it will still be cheaper. He told me he’s going to the U for sure and told me it wouldn’t be that bad. I hated telling him about the money thing. Even though I know he knows we aren’t rich, it still made me feel weird. Like I was… I don’t know, saying my parents were bad or something, because they never saved a college fund for me.

We talked until we were both yawning and sleepy and I’m not even sure when we fell asleep. When I woke up this morning Liam was snoring a little and my arm was jammed under his shoulder.

Volunteering went fine. I’ll write about that tomorrow. I still feel embarrassed by what I said last night.

 

**Sunday, April 11th**

Volunteering with Liam at the AIDS Project was a lot of fun. Since people already knew about him, I got to introduce him as “my boyfriend” and I kept grinning like an idiot, because I liked being able to say it. While I tidied up the library and reshelved the returns (people are actually bringing books back!), they taught Liam how to use the postage machine to send out all of the t-shirts for the AIDS walk.

Then we did whatever they wanted. We put together walk day information packets and that sort of thing. Tom and Shamika were chatty, and there was a new girl there, I didn’t catch her name, but she was telling us how her girlfriend’s mom found chat messages between them on AOL and sent her girlfriend to live with her grandma.

I felt sick hearing the story, and after our time was done, Liam and I went down to Loring Park. We walked around the lake talking just a little. I asked him what he thought about what happened and he said it made him pissed and it made him want to tell his sister even more. He said it was like a test. I wasn’t sure if he meant of himself or of his sister, and I didn’t ask.

We went to Café Zev afterwards and read City Pages together. It was crowded and it felt good to be with him.

I apologized again for being an ass the night before, but Liam told me it wasn’t anything to worry about.

 

**Monday, April 12th**

Liam said he’s telling Harry this week, said he would try not to bring me up.

I didn’t tell him I almost wish he would. I’m a coward. Harry is the one person I can’t tell.

 

**Wednesday, April 14th**

He hasn’t told Harry, but tonight on the phone we practiced a bunch of ways he could tell him.

At worked I asked Sarah for advice on which college to choose, since I have to pick tomorrow if I want any of the scholarships and financial aid to be guaranteed.

She had good advice, but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

 

**Thursday, April 15th**

I picked the U.

I am feeling conflicted about it. The look of relief of Mom and Dad’s face was obvious, but it hurt inside. I tried to hide it and act excited.

But really, I just want to cry. I think I’m going to take a shower and do that.

 

**Friday, April 16th**

Liam just called and asked me to go out to dinner with him. I asked Mom and she sighed and asked if he could come here for dinner instead since she was almost done making it. I lied and told her he sounded really upset and I wasn’t sure he wanted to see any parents. She gave me a Mom Face and said it was my lunch for tomorrow and told me to go.

I picked him up and asked where he wanted to eat. He said somewhere we could talk, so I drove us to Uptown. He was kind of doing this weird nervous laugh and I wasn’t sure if I should ask how it went with Harry, but he finally said, “I did it, I did it, I came out to him.”

He said that he told Harry in the newspaper room when they were alone. Told him that he had something he wanted to tell him, said he wasn’t sure why he needed to tell him, but that he trusted him to keep it a secret.

He said that he told Harry he considered him a good friend but that Harry’s trying to set him up with his friends for prom made him uncomfortable. I had to stop him there and ask what he was talking about. Liam grimaced and said that he hadn’t told me because he knew I’d be angry. He said that Harry had been trying to set him up with someone, saying he’d regret not going to the prom and all that.

Well. He was right. I was pissed. I gripped the steering wheel and bit my cheek to keep from screaming. He squeezed my knee and told me he loved me.

OK, so then he said to Harry, “It feels weird, because I’m gay.”

When he said that, my stomach sort of dropped and tears sprang to my eyes—like he said it. To Harry. I nodded and asked what Harry said.

He said Harry’s jaw dropped and he sort of reeled back.

Liam said then he told Harry that he was the first person he’d told, that he hoped he’d keep it a secret, that he trusted him. My stomach twisted because I don’t trust Harry, but I think it was smart to build up his ego like that.

He said Harry sputtered some nonsense about how Liam doesn’t look gay.* (What the fuck does that mean?) He said Harry asked how he was “sure” he liked guys, and he turned it on Harry and asked how he was “sure” he liked girls. Harry said because he had kissed girls and Liam just looked at him and let him figure out what the look meant.

He said Harry said he wouldn’t tell anyone and mostly looked shocked the whole time.

I admit, I’m still worried Harry’s going to spread rumors around school. When I said that to Liam, he shrugged and said we only have two months of school left, so he doesn’t care.

Over dinner, he said he wants to tell Zayn and Louis about us. That made me feel a lot better. We talked about how to tell them, and Liam said we should meet them tomorrow and do it.

Liam was so excited tonight. He kept laughing and shaking his head and saying, “I can’t believe it.” It’s like he’s a different person.

I hope Harry doesn’t do anything to hurt him.

*Liam didn’t use the phrase “sputtered some nonsense.” That’s all me.

 

**Sunday, April 18th**

Last night after work I picked up Liam and Zayn. We went over to Louis’ house for a night of pizza and video games. Louis’ mom gave me a big hug and said it had been too long since she’d seen me. His sisters were kind of all over the house and Fizzy was having her own slumber party and one of her friends has a crush on Zayn, so we had to lock them out of the basement.

While we were watching some anime Zayn had picked out, Liam said he had something to tell them. I was sitting next to Liam and we were squished between Louis (on my side) and Zayn (on his side). He looked at me and I smiled and nodded. He leaned forward and looked at Zayn, then Louis, then looked at his hands. He said, “I’m gay.”

Louis and Zayn shot each other a look and then Zayn shot me one—it was really quick, but I still saw it. I could feel myself getting hot, and Liam glanced at me and I said I knew, really quickly.

Louis glanced at me and said, carefully, like he was picking his words, “Oh, when did you tell him?”

Liam and I had a whole conversation with our eyes and I grabbed his hand and said, “Back in Duluth, when we…” I didn’t know how to end it and Liam grinned and then looked at them and nodded and said yeah, in Duluth.

Zayn counted on his fingers how many months that was, being all dramatic about it and Louis looked like he was thinking about something. Zayn said we were assholes for hiding it so long but Louis interrupted his rant and asked if Liam had written the note that Harry had picked up.

We both nodded and said yes, and I said I thought Louis had known that. Louis didn’t answer but clapped Liam on the back and said something like “so about the mall…”

They started talking to each other about their argument, leaning forward to talk over me, and then Zayn smacked my shoulder and I leaned back against the couch so we were talking around Liam. He said something about camping and I couldn’t hear, so I got up and sat next to him.

Zayn waggled his eyebrows at me and said, “So… camping?”

I didn’t even have time to answer. Zayn winked and said my blushing gave me away, then held up his hand for a high five. Oh my God, Zayn is so… Zayn.

We spent the rest of the night answering questions (and warning them that Harry doesn’t know about me or us, but only about Liam) and playing games and just hanging out. It felt like a big weight had been taken off, really. I mean, we didn’t do anything because it wasn’t one of our houses and they were around and stuff, but we could sort of relax and sit next to each other and it just felt… easier now that they know.

 

**Monday, April 19th**

I miss having Liam in my bed. I wish I hadn’t fucked up last week and been stupid. I miss his body.

 

**Tuesday, April 20th**

Harry walked by us at lunch today, said hi, but didn’t stay. He kind of gave Liam a weird look. I was holding my breath until he walked past.

 

**Thursday, April 22nd**

I told Liam to call me at 11 tonight. We did the same thing we do, calling the time and temp line and beeping in through call waiting. (“It is 49 degrees.”)

He asked if everything was OK. I told him I loved him, I missed him.

He laughed and teased me, said he’d just seen me at school.

I twisted the phone cord around my finger and said that wasn’t what I meant.

He said he missed me, too, asked if we could see each other this weekend. I said I hoped so and then we both got quiet. (We do that a lot, get quiet, but it feels so comfortable with him, like I don’t need to talk because he knows what I’m thinking.)

After a while I told him it had been too long since I’d touched him. He groaned and said it was true, and then we talked and jacked off together. At least now when I imagine his hand on me, I know exactly what it feels like.

 

**Sunday, April 25th**

Liam came over last night for dinner. Mom asked him if he was going to prom, and he said no, he had gone in California and he didn’t really want to go. She said she thought I would regret not going and tried to pressure us both into going. It was a little weird.

I tried not to get mad because I know she’s just being Mom and all that, but it hurt. Liam did a good job of trying to deflect her.

Saturday Night Live wasn’t on tonight, so we put on music and just talked. I asked him what prom was like in California and he said it was fun, but also not fun. It was right before he moved here last year, and he said he was glad he went because it was one of his last times out with his friends. But he said that he wished he’d been able to go with a date.

I said I understood that.

He asked if we should go to Louis’ after-party. I said I wasn’t sure, and he said he thought going might be fun.

I didn’t really want to talk about it anymore, because it made me feel sort of sick but I wasn’t sure why. I don’t know if it’s because prom means the year is almost over and I’m not going to Mac or because of prom stuff or if I’m just afraid of college or what.

We started kissing and God, it was like it had been forever since we’d touched each other. I love being with him, feeling the heat of his skin and his mouth and hands and breath on me.

Soooo… We did something we haven’t done before. We were kissing each other all over and we had our hands on each other and I started to give him a hand job and I was kissing his stomach and then I licked the tip of his dick. He kind of squirmed up the bed and said something about how he hadn’t had a shower.

I don’t remember Liam ever really being scared, so that kind of made my heart thump harder. I nodded and said it was OK (he smelled fine—he didn’t smell soapy like he’d just taken a shower, but he didn’t smell bad either) and then started to lick the head of his dick again. He was so hard and he started groaning, this low, soft sort of noise.

I was really nervous I would do a bad job or bite him by accident or something, but I think I did OK. I licked him a little first, then started sucking on the tip. I tried to take him all the way in my mouth but it made me want to gag and didn’t feel good. I used my hands too so I could keep from gagging and just hoped it was OK.

When his stomach got tense I thought maybe he was going to come. (It was only just then that I realized that his muscles do that when I’m giving him a hand job.) I was right. It was pretty soon after that he said he was going to come and I didn’t even know if I should take my head away or what so I just kept my mouth there while he came.

The only strange thing was that I feel like when he comes from a hand job, there’s a lot of it all over. I thought I would have to swallow really quickly or something, but it wasn’t like that, it wasn’t like… overflowing or anything, it just filled my mouth.

He didn’t really taste like anything, either, which surprised me. It was a clean taste.

I wasn’t sure what to do afterwards, but his dick got soft really fast and he was breathing hard. I kissed his shoulder and he told me to lie down. I did and he started kissing my stomach. Oh God, I was really hard, and I was afraid I was going to come too quickly.

He licked me a few times and then put his lips around me and it felt incredible. It was so warm and wet and his tongue was soft but the roof of his mouth was a little harder and it was like all of these feelings at once—soft and hard and a sort of sucking pressure and I wasn’t sure where to focus.

I closed my eyes and tried to breathe and not worry about how I was going to taste to him. Liam felt really good and I came sooner than I wanted to, because I didn’t want him to stop. (He swallowed, too.)

When we were done I kind of felt shy again, and I wasn’t sure if we should go brush our teeth or what. (We already had before going to bed, so it would’ve been a little strange, but…)

We turned the music down a little and crawled under the covers. I wanted to kiss Liam but he fit into me so I could spoon him. I like how his back curves against me when we spoon, and his hair kind of goes up my nose, but it’s OK, because it smells like him.

I stroked his stomach and chest and he rubbed my hip and he said he really liked that. I kissed the back of his neck and said I did, too. We talked a little about stupid stuff like what we would do if we had a million dollars or if ran the whole world.

I was feeling tired and I was thinking about ideas for prom weekend with Liam (I have an idea, but I am not going to tell him yet, because I have to talk to my parents first). I think I even fell asleep a little, but then Liam said my name, which woke me up. He said, “I want to kiss you, is that weird?”

I shook my head no and he rolled over. We kissed on the lips at first and then we started Frenching and it didn’t taste like anything different. But it felt different. That probably seems cheesy, but it felt…

Like I have a part of him nobody else does. And he has some of me nobody else has.

I love him so, so much.

 

**Monday, April 26th**

FUCK HARRY FUCKING EDWARD FUCKING STYLES. FUCK HIM!

**Later**

Liam and I are at Café Zev. We’ve both been crying and I’m angry. He’s reading Lavender magazine and I’m scribbling in this notebook because I am so mad.

Harry gave Liam a letter today. In the letter he told him that he loves and respects him as a friend, but that he can’t “love the sin” and will pray for Liam. There was some other bullshit too, bible verses and similar shit.

This is exactly what I was afraid of and I am pissed.

Liam said Harry gave him the note while he was leaving the newspaper office after school and he read it on the way home. He called me and his voice was shaky and I knew something was wrong but he wouldn’t tell me what it was.

I am livid. I want to tell Zayn and Louis. I want to go punch Harry. Fuck! I am so pissed!

 

**Tuesday, April 27th**

So at breakfast this morning I brought up my Brilliant Idea. I asked Mom and Dad if I could go to the house in Duluth with Liam over prom weekend.

They were a little confused about why I would want to do that. I said that they keep bringing up prom, and I don’t want to go to prom. Mom asked why not, one more time, and I said because there wasn’t a girl I wanted to take, and I didn’t want to go without a date I liked. (I would like to note that none of that was a lie.)

Dad pointed out I was only 17. I pointed out I’m graduating in less than two months and I (we) can take care of the house for two nights. I started describing how to turn on the heat, water and gas, how to shut it all off, which door is sticky and needs to be double checked, the quirk in the garage, so on and so forth.

I said that it would be my big adult moment, being alone on a trip instead of partying in a hotel room after prom, and that it would be a good test for living on my own during college. I said I could check in with them on the phone daily and even call their high school friends (the ones that live up there) daily if they wanted some adults to know where we were.

I could tell they were considering it, so I pointed out that there wouldn’t be drinking and there wouldn’t be girls, so nobody would get pregnant.

Mom rolled her eyes and Dad told me to stop then, and he said they would “think about it,” but that they’d have to talk to Liam’s parents.

Fingers crossed, fingers crossed. Hell, maybe I’ll even pray over this.

Now I’ve got to tell Liam my idea.

 

**Wednesday, April 28th**

Liam’s parents said yes, my parents said yes, I told Sarah at work today and she laughed and told me to be safe.

We’re going, we’re going, we’re going! I just want to dance around the house. Two whole nights with Liam! I’m so excited!

Mom talked to his mom on the phone and I pretended to clean the kitchen so I could listen in. At first it was a lot of “what if they do this” and “absolutely no alcohol” and all of that, but I could tell by the conversation that they were open to it. Then Mom asked questions about prom and said she was disappointed she wouldn’t see me in a tux. I whispered I would put one on for her and she waved me away and started clucking her tongue and muttering about how “is that right?” and “that much?” and “well this would be cheaper for sure.”

Then it was all about how “they grow up so fast” and “I’m just not ready for college, college!” and “well they are good boys.”

I could tell they were saying yes and it was so hard to hide my face and then they gave us the phone and we were trying to play it cool, like, “Yeah, awesome, that’ll be fun, glad you had that idea, yep, can’t wait to hike. Maybe we can find some agates this time.” Meanwhile I’m thinking SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE the whole time.

At the end of the call I said I had to get ready for work and said I’d talk to him later and he said, “Yeah, like usual.” I know what that means! Eleven pm call. Thirteen minutes from now.

Ahhhhhhh!

 

**Thursday, April 29th**

Liam and I stayed up late last night. Our talk was kind of all over the place. We bounced between being excited to go to Duluth together, school stuff like Senior Skip Day, and Harry’s letter.

We tried not to talk about Harry too much, but I think what he was most worried about was that Harry would tell his parents.

I said that the Harry I knew had been good at keeping secrets and wasn’t a tattletale.

What I didn’t say was that the Harry I knew had also been kind.

I’m still pissed, at what he said and that he hurt Liam.

 

**Saturday, May 1st**

One week, one week, one week…

 

**Monday, May 3rd**

Who wants to go to school when there’s a trip to plan with Mr. Liam James Payne? Fucking not me, that’s for sure.

(Liam and I have been talking pretty much every night, and we’re up until really late. It’s making me so tired for school, but I don’t want to tell him that.)

 

**Wednesday, May 5th**

I worked tonight, asked Sarah what I should do about Harry.

She asked me what Liam wanted me to do.

I told her I wasn’t sure. She just kind of looked at me and I said I hadn’t asked. She looked at me more and I kind of felt sick. She said maybe I should ask and then went and shelved some books.

I haven’t asked because I’m scared. I’m scared he’s going to want me to tell Harry about me and I’m scared Harry will tell my parents and Liam and I won’t be able to spend as much time alone together as we do now.

Does that make me a bad person?

**Later**

That’s not all.

I’m also scared that Harry will say something to me like he did to Liam. I’ve known him so long… I know we aren’t the same at all anymore, but he was my best friend for so long. Could he just… throw me away like that?

 

**Thursday, May 6th**

I talked to Liam.

I’ve written a letter.

::

Dear Harry,

You’re probably wondering why you’re getting a letter from me instead of a phone call. I’m writing you this letter because I’m scared to talk to you face to face, because we’ve been friends for so long.

I know Liam told you he’s gay. I also know you gave him a letter telling him that he would go to hell and that you’ll pray for him.

What Liam didn’t tell you is that he has a boyfriend.

Me.

I’m gay, so I guess you should pray for me, too.

Even though you probably think I’m a horrible person, I know I’m not. I know that the God you believe in made me this way. I know that God sent Liam’s family here so we could meet. I know that God would look at my heart, and how I treat people and love my friends and family members (and yes, Liam), and judge me on that. I know that there is nothing “unnatural” about my feelings; what would be unnatural is trying to change them. And God knows it too.

I also know that the Harry Styles I know is good. I know you as a loving friend, as someone who doesn’t want to hurt people. I know you as someone who jumped in the creek when I fell through the ice, someone who split your candy with me every day at lunch when you knew my mom had lost her job and you wanted me to feel better, someone who called me every day when I had the chicken pox in third grade, to tell me what I had missed in school and what all of the kids did.

Do you remember that, Harry? Do you remember when we were best friends?

I was gay then, too. I was the same person.

You loved me as a friend then. Can you now?

I don’t need an answer. I know you will pray for me. I will pray for you, too. And you may think God will turn His back on me, but I know that God is loving, and He teaches me how to love. I will continue to love the way God taught me to.

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Romans 13:9)

Your friend,

Niall

::

Fuck, I’m so nervous. I cried writing the letter, then I cried when I rewrote it, then cried when I wrote the final copy. I am not sure it says everything I want to, but I’m tired of crying. I’m going to bed.

 

**Friday, May 7th**

I’m writing this in Johnson’s class.

I gave Harry the letter in class today. Asked him to read it after school. I told Zayn and Louis that I came out to Harry in a letter and asked them to let me know if they heard any rumors around school. And that’s all I want to say about that.

Liam packed before school so we’re ready to go as soon as this day’s done. Can someone pull a fucking fire alarm or something? This is such a waste of a day. Nobody’s listening to the teachers anyhow. It’s all prom talk.

**Later**

We got here, safe and sound with a half dozen rolls from Tobies (cinnamon and caramel pecan!).

I was so tense leaving the house, afraid Harry was going to call and ask about the note or tell my parents or something.

The house has a phone and it’s after 10 now and nobody has called yet. Liam said I need to relax, but I’m really jumpy.

This isn’t how I wanted to spend this weekend. I thought writing Harry that letter would get it off my mind, but that didn’t work.

I need to go spend time with my boyfriend since it may be the last time we’re allowed to be alone together.

 

**Saturday, May 8th (Prom)**

Liam, Liam, Liam.

Last night he called his parents to tell them we got here OK, then made me call my parents to tell them the same. Mom asked if everything was OK, said my voice sounded weird. I told her I was tired from the drive. She reminded me 92 times to be sure to turn off the gas, not to leave trash in the house, and to lock the doors. She also asked me to strip the beds and get the sheets in the washer and dryer before we leave. Said we don’t need to wait around and remake the beds if we don’t have time. (If we’re gonna leave sheets in the dryer, I guess I should strip two beds. One set of sheets would look weird.)

Then she told me to have fun and that it was expensive to talk since it with a long-distance call and she wanted to get back to her movie with Dad. When I hung up, I was laughing, and Liam said, “See? You need to relax.”

We made out and he even gave me a blow job on the couch, which was fun because we are normally hiding in one of our rooms. It felt good to not worry about having to go anywhere else, and I could make more noise than normal, too. (Honestly, that was a little weird at first. I didn’t want him to think I was being fake.)

I felt like he was taking care of me, and I felt really… loved.

We cuddled for a while on the couch and even fell asleep for a bit. After a while I woke up and my neck hurt from the weird position we were in. We went upstairs and took showers. I was brushing my teeth while he showered and we talked, then switched places. We made plans for today, but I woke up early and told him I’d get some breakfast for us.

I went and grabbed bagels and coffee and some snacks for our hike. I’ll be back later!

**Later**

Liam is being funny, kind of bouncing around the kitchen and cooking some pasta for us. He won’t tell me what’s going on.

We went for a hike up on the North Shore. It was pretty chilly today, and overcast in the morning, but it was perfect for a hike because it wasn’t too warm. We went to this path that hit a series of waterfalls and they were gorgeous, and we had some early spring flowers.

It always surprises me how much cooler Duluth is than the Cities, no matter how many times I come up here. It’s like I get stuck thinking my Minnesota is all of Minnesota.

Oooh, Liam just took the garlic bread out of the oven. Time to eat.

**Later Later**

Ahhhhhh! Liam is taking a shower so I’m writing.

He is so sneaky!

Ruth called us. He must have scheduled it all with her, oh my God. He came out to her. Like, a week ago.

I can’t believe he’s kept this a secret. How did he do it?

We held the phone between us and I “met” Ruth. My stomach was so fluttery, almost like she was there in person, and Liam was holding my hand so tight he left little nail prints in my skin. But I didn’t care, because she was so nice, teasing me about treating her brother right, and saying she couldn’t wait to meet me this summer. She asked me a lot about school and what I like about writing, and she asked about my job and told me Liam was a “lazy bum” who needed a job. Ha! Liam pretended to be angry, but he couldn’t stop grinning.

Ruth asked to talk to me alone and Liam gave me the phone but then kept giving me looks. I ended up pulling the cord into the other room so I wouldn’t have to look at him.

She didn’t really say anything different, just more of the same stuff about being excited to hear my voice and meet me.

Well, she did tell me some other stuff…

She said that she hadn’t heard Liam sound so happy in a long time, she told me to take care of him and that he’s someone special. I told her I knew that. And then she said that she would keep our secret as long as we wanted her to. Then she asked me if anyone in my family knew, and I told her no. I told her I had a brother but that “we don’t talk much.”

Ruth’s voice kind of changed and she rushed to tell me she understood. She said that I was the one who made Liam feel like he could tell her, so she thanked me.

I didn’t really know what to say, so I changed the subject and asked her about college and the weather in California. We talked for a little and then I gave Liam the phone for a few minutes. I went and took a shower while he finished up the call.

Wow.

WOW!

I keep smiling. I can’t believe this. This feels so, so good.

Water just turned off! Sex, sex, sex!

 

**Sunday, May 9th**

I’m home now, it’s late, and I can still feel Liam’s lips on mine, his hands in my hair. I miss him.

We had a slow day today, lounged around the house this morning, then went out for lunch. We went up to one of the agate beaches. It was cold and clammy, and if we’d spent more time we probably could’ve found some, but we gave up to get back into the warmth of the car. I guess that just gives us an excuse to come back another day.

Today was great, but last night was really special. When Liam got out of the shower, he kicked me out of the room for a few minutes. Well, first he gave me a little wrapped package and said to open it. When I did, I found a pair of silk boxer shorts. I have no idea when or where he got them, but they were really soft and the color was this gorgeous sort of sapphire blue. (I liked how I looked in them.)

When I came back in the room, Liam was sitting on the middle of the bed, looking a little nervous, and he had on black boxers.

He had burned a CD of a bunch of love songs, and he’d packed a CD player and some candles too. It probably sounds a little cheesy, but the room done up in candlelight was really romantic, and the music was nice too, much nicer than hearing the ads on the radio and stuff.

He said he wanted to do something special since it was prom night, even if we couldn’t be there.

I wanted to tell him that talking to Ruth on the phone was already special, but I thought bringing up his sister might be a mood killer. So instead I got on the bed and kissed him.

We made out for a long time and it was like I couldn’t get enough of him. I wanted to kiss and touch him all over. It felt like everything was a little softer and different. Maybe it was the candlelight. It made all of these shadows on his skin I haven’t seen before. And it made his eyes shine.

The silk… I was a little nervous about it snagging actually, because I had an idea that it would be really delicate. But at one point Liam just yanked on the fabric to pull me closer to him, and then I didn’t worry anymore. It felt so good against me, and I loved rubbing Liam through the shorts.

Liam started to give me a blow job but I wanted to blow him, so we tried sixty-nining, but it wasn’t really comfortable. (It was too distracting, too, because I couldn’t focus on his mouth on my dick or his dick in my mouth, and those are the fun parts, so…)

We ended up on our sides, facing each other and kissing. He kept playing with my hair and ear and I kept touching his stomach. I love how his stomach feels…

He started teasing me, almost touching me but not touching me. It reminded me of that first night in the tent, except this time I wasn’t worried about what would happen or if I would mess something up. I started teasing him back, and I could feel him smiling when we were kissing. It felt like we were talking with just our bodies.

I caved and touched his cock first, which made him groan. I could feel the puff of breath on my cheek and it was worth it. He touched me then, and it became a whole new game, where we would copy each other’s moves or tempo.

Goddamn, it was fucking hot.

Our legs got tangled and we were rubbing our hips and dicks and hands together and we were still kissing and I felt like there was nothing between us. No space, no secrets, no fears, just… the two of us.

I came first and he came really soon after and we didn’t let go. We kept touching each other, so all of our come was mixed together on our hands, our stomachs, us.

We’ve never come like that before—face to face and kissing—and I didn’t really want to clean it up. I wanted to leave it there.

I pulled the sheet and blanket up over us both, and Liam nodded against my neck and kissed my throat and said he loved me. He whispered for me to move over so neither of us was in the wet spot, and then he blew out the candles and asked if I could fall asleep with the music on. I unplugged the CD player because I could reach the cord and he mumbled that was a “good solution.”

We cuddled and whispered our I love yous and fell asleep like that.

I know I won’t regret not going to prom. Nope. It was too wonderful being alone with Liam.

 

**Monday, May 10th**

Harry must have a fucking sore neck from how hard he tried not to look at me in class today.

Liam said Harry was in and out of the newspaper office and didn’t really talk to anyone.

But everyone else was normal to me all day, so I guess he didn’t tell. He’s good for something.

 

**Wednesday, May 12th**

Sarah asked how Duluth was with a little smile on her face and before I could even answer she gave me a sideways hug and said she was glad it was good. I asked if it was that obvious and she said only because she knew Liam was my boyfriend.

I told her I met Ruth over the phone and when she realized that meant Liam had come out to a family member, she got a really soft look on her face. She rubbed my back and said he was “a good egg.”

 

**Thursday, May 13th**

Harry and I had to work together in class, just the two of us. Yeah, that wasn’t weird or anything. He asked how I was in this very prim way and I said fine and that I hoped prom had gone well. He said it did and then we split the work in half and did it without really talking at all.

I can’t believe he was my best friend. I can’t believe he can’t see past his religion and a God he can’t see—interpreted by dead guys—to see me. A guy sitting right next to him.

I can’t decide if I’m angry, or hurt, or relieved or what.

 

**Sunday, May 16th (AIDS Walk)**

Today was the AIDS Walk down at Minnehaha Falls. It was a ton of fun. We were stationed on the walk a little before the three-mile mark and got to wear t-shirts that say OBEY ME on them. (The people who collected money had PAY ME shirts, and the ones who were general volunteers in various areas got ASK ME shirts. The three of them together—ha ha!)

We were dropped off at our station, but since it was near the end of the course (it was a 5k), we didn’t have too many people around for a long time, just a few runners. We were a few hundred feet away from the water station volunteers, and got chatted with them, two older lesbians. They were telling us about being at Minneapolis’ first Pride parade in 1973, and some arguments in the early 80s that made them have two events, one for gay men and one for lesbians.

One of the women started talking about how she lost her friend to AIDS in 1986. Then they both started talking about all these friends they had who got AIDS and they started talking about Reagan and how awful he was and about ACT UP and it felt like a history lesson.

We talked about some other stuff, too, like they asked how we met and where we were going to college and that kind of stuff, but then people started hitting our station, so we had to leave them alone and go do our marshalling.

Liam was cheering and clapping and hooting for the walkers (some of them were really grumpy… I guess walking 3 miles at once isn’t something they do a lot), but I could tell something was wrong. I asked him what, and he said that could have been us, if we’d been born 10 or 20 years earlier.

We kept cheering for the walkers but I kept thinking about what he said. After a while I said that the only thing we could do was be grateful for the people who fought before us, and keep fighting for people like us being born now.

He nodded and didn’t really say anything, but he seemed to cheer up as we were out there. It was pretty sunny and breezy and just nice, nice weather. It was a lot of fun, and it was cool to see the variety of people out, and how many gay and lesbian couples were out. It made me feel more normal.

After several hours the walk was over. Since we were so close to the start/end, we just walked back to the main area where the volunteers were meeting. Shamika and Tom and some other people I recognized talked for a bit, and then they said there was a volunteer party at some restaurant in Uptown. Liam and I wondered if we should go, because we didn’t know all of the volunteers, and what if there was someone there we knew? But we decided if we did see someone, they would be quiet. Since it wasn’t for a few hours, we came back to my house first to shower and clean up. (We swapped out the volunteer shirts for our regular shirts in the car. Won’t be able to wear an OBEY ME shirt around much.)

He asked if he could borrow one of my shirts. He picked a blue and grey ringer-neck baseball shirt and damn, he looked good in my clothes. I decided to wear one of my button-down shirts with the sleeves rolled up to my elbows and he whistled and asked why I was looking so fancy.

When we had a snack in the kitchen I told Mom we were going out for dinner. She said as long as my homework was done and I said it was. She adjusted my collar and asked me why I was so dressed up. I said I didn’t know what she was talking about and she kissed my cheek and told us to have fun.

The party was nice, and they had a buffet and an awesome dessert table. Shamika and Tom mentioned to us that if we want to keep volunteering, they do stuff at Pride and at the State Fair. Liam said he’d be up for it and told them it would be our first time going to Pride.

I like “our.” I like us and we and Liam and me. It still feels good to hear him say it.

I feel at home at Café Zev, around other people like me (us), but it was also nice to be at the party and the walk today, with gay and straight people, because we could still be ourselves around them since they were all from the AIDS Project. We didn’t have to hide around them, and that felt really good—like maybe that’s how it’ll be for us in college. I hope?

Oh. And I wonder if Mom suspects anything.

 

**Tuesday, May 18th**

Louis called me after school today, which I thought was a little strange. He told me that Harry called him asking a bunch of questions about how I was doing. He said he answered them in a general way and Harry finally blurted out, “Do you know Niall’s gay?”

He said he told him yes, he had known for a long time, and Harry said he couldn’t believe Louis had hid it. Louis told him it wasn’t his business to tell and it wasn’t a big deal. He said that Harry started going on about God. I guess Louis stuck up for us.

He told me that he wanted to tell me just so I knew that Harry had called him, that he didn’t want to hide it from me. I’m glad he told me. Makes it feel like he cares what happens.

Then we talked about Senior Skip Day and graduation for a while. Skip Day is next Wednesday and graduation is June fourth. Less than three weeks and I’ll be done with high school! Amen!

**Later**

I called Zayn and he said Harry called him too. What is he doing, trying to turn my friends against me?

Zayn said he and Harry are going to meet for dinner this weekend.

I kind of feel betrayed, which is totally unfair to Zayn, but it’s my journal and I can say what I want, so there.

 

**Friday, May 21st**

I’m going over to Liam’s tomorrow to spend the night after work. When I asked Mom if I could go, she asked me why I never talked about Harry anymore.

Well that was out of left field and my heart started pounding.

We were in the kitchen, so I started peeling an orange to stall and because I needed some time for my heart to calm down and I thought my voice would betray me. I finally said we had a disagreement about something personal. She asked if I wanted to talk about it. Inside I was wondering if I should just tell her, get it over with, let her know.

I told her no.

She asked if everything was OK with Louis and Zayn. I laughed and said everything with them was great.

She started giving me some talk about how friendships change and it’s OK to let go of them if I need to, and that college was a time of growth. I nodded and acted like I didn’t want to hear it, but secretly I was glad, because it made me feel like she wasn’t going to pressure me to make up with him.

Then she started asking about Liam, said she thought it was great that we got along so well, asked what Louis and Zayn thought of him. I told her they liked him and she said maybe I could have “all three of them” (with emphasis on the three) over after graduation.

I told her that was a great idea and then I said I had homework. I don’t really, not anything important or hard, but I felt funny and wanted to leave before I blurted out something.

 

**Sunday, May 23rd**

When I got to Liam’s house after work last night, he informed me we were cooking dinner. He handed me an apron and pulled a bunch of stuff out of the fridge. We made hamburgers and chopped up a bunch of toppings and everyone got to pick what they wanted. We made a side salad, too.

It was fun cooking with him, because he got this really intense look on his face, like if he didn’t follow the seasoning recipe exactly, the whole thing would fail.

I asked why we were cooking and he laughed and said his mom said it was time for us both to start earning our keep. I asked if I was coming over too much and he said no, that was just something she said when she was stressed out and didn’t want to cook. He said she’s in a tizzy to clean the house because Ruth’s coming home for his graduation, and a bunch of other family members are visiting for his graduation party.

We were in only ones in the kitchen and he kissed my nose and told me Ruth was excited to meet me. I hadn’t even thought of graduation, or that Greg will be there. I’m an idiot.

I told him about the conversation I had with Mom and he just said “hmm” and “interesting.” I asked him if he thought maybe she knew about us and he said he wasn’t sure and wondered if we should stop spending the nights over.

Well fuck, that’s not what I want! I got mad at him for even suggesting it and argued that that would look even more suspicious and that she was already being weird about me not talking to Harry. He told me to “calm the hell down” and that he didn’t want to stop spending time together either, but I seemed too stressed and he was just trying to help.

I excused myself and went to the bathroom to be alone for a minute.

I sat there pretending to do something and realized I’m still so wound up about Harry, afraid he’ll do something or tell my parents. I went back to the kitchen and told Liam that. He asked if we should tell our parents, alone or together, or at all.

I said I didn’t know.

Then “Slide” came on the radio and we both started singing it and it was like all of the tension just dissolved.

Dinner was really good and his parents were impressed. They talked about Ruth’s visit. She gets in next weekend. I can’t believe Liam didn’t tell me!

Up in his bedroom, I apologized for getting mad earlier. I told him I didn’t know why I was in a bad mood. He started imitating his dad and said, “Well Niall, you’re going through a huge change soon with graduation and starting college, and I know you don’t want to admit it, but this is a time that people are scared, even if they don’t talk about it.” He did his dad’s voice and mannerisms perfectly, and I couldn’t stop laughing. I asked him how many times he’d gotten that speech and he said, in a very prim and proper voice, “One hundred and thirty-two.”

The rest of the night went better, just like normal. I think I’m getting better at knowing exactly how to touch him, and I love how he feels and tastes. He has a really nice dick. I can’t believe I was ever nervous about touching it.

 

**Monday, May 24th**

We’re gearing up for Senior Skip Day and all the teachers know it. They keep making these dumb threats about how if we’re getting a D or F, we can’t skip or we risk missing graduation, and if we have more than some huge numbers of days missing already the truancy officer can be called. Blah blah. I don’t know what we’re doing yet, except it’s going to be Louis, Zayn, Liam and me, and Sarah is having me work tomorrow instead of Wednesday so I don’t have to come in.

(How do you become a truancy officer? Like, who decides that’s the job they want? I’ve never heard anyone say, “When I grow up, I want to be a truancy officer.”)

 

**Tuesday, May 25th**

I told Mom and Dad they might get a call tomorrow for Senior Skip Day. (Because of the real skip day, that they don’t know about. Although, hmm, they will notice on my report card only if they care to look, but I’m not sure they’ve more than glanced at once since middle school, and by then I’ll be done, so who cares?)

Work was fine. Sarah and I talked about this summer. She’s going to increase my hours a little and give me more closing responsibility, at long as I’m OK being alone in the store. She said I could have a friend over while closing if that would make me feel better with all the cash. I said, “You mean a friend like my boyfriend?”

She laughed and said she meant him or another friend, and that she trusts my judgment.

 

**Wednesday, May 26th (technically it’s after midnight, so I guess it’s Thursday)**

Today was awesome!

I slept in until Zayn called me sometime after 10. He asked when I was going to get my lazy ass out of bed because Louis and Liam were already awake. I jumped into my clothes and we went over to the Egg and I for brunch, then went down to the Walker Art Center. The weather was gorgeous and we wandered around the sculpture garden and the greenhouse. I love the huge glass fish.

At one point in the sculpture garden the four of us drifted apart and did our own thing. Zayn was imitating a walking man sculpture while Louis took pictures, and then I got bored of waiting for Liam to quit looking at half a head sculpture.

Liam found me looking at the Cherry and Spoon (I can never remember the proper name of it). He came over and we stood and talked. It was comfortable, so I put my head on his shoulder. He put his arm around my back, whispering if it was OK. I kissed him on the cheek and said it had better be. (They have Pride across the bridge, for God’s sake, and it’s a contemporary art museum!)

After a while Louis found us, which made me jump because he snuck up on us. He apologized for scaring us and said Zayn wanted to go over to the park. We crossed the bridge (pausing, again, so Louis could get photos of the cars on the interstate) and it was windy and hard to hear, but it felt so good to be out of school.

We walked around the lake at Loring Park and I told the guys that when I was a kid, I was told the drop-offs in the lake were bottomless holes and you’d drown and never make it back up. Zayn said the lake was drained a couple decades ago, he’d read an article about it, so that had to be impossible. Then we tried to decide what would be the exact opposite point of the world if we drilled a hole through the center of it. We decided somewhere in Asia, but we couldn’t figure out where.

Liam and I ended up walking a few feet behind Louis and Zayn, and at one point he tugged on my shirt sleeve and then looked at our hands and me and then slipped his fingers through mine.

It made my stomach flutter, walking with them like that. But then Zayn turned around to ask us a question and I yanked my hand away and put it in my pocket. He saw it but didn’t say anything, asked if we wanted to go to Camp Snoopy at the Mall of America and ride the roller coaster. I said sure and we started walking back to the car.

I whispered a sorry to Liam about the hand, but he just shook his head.

At the mall, we went on a bunch of rides and did the log chute one a few times. I love that ride. Ha!

When we got bored of doing that, we just walked around and browsed in some stores a bit. We were trying to figure out what else we should do and if we should see a movie. Louis and Zayn really wanted to see the Star Wars movie, so we did, but it was long and I fell asleep (Zayn will never let me hear the end of this).

We grabbed dinner there, and while we were eating Louis asked if we were going to live off campus together. MCAD is pretty close to the U and Zayn says he can get around. Zayn suggested renting one of the old houses downtown.

I admit, I’ve fantasized about living with Liam, but I didn’t think I’d be able to do it, and I haven’t brought it up. Living with all three of them sounds a little more like it could happen. The only problem is Liam and I both turn 18 so late, they’d need to rent a place before us, or we’d need to find housing after school starts and that will be harder. We talked about maybe trying to find a place after we’ve been in school a few months, or over winter break. I’ll have to talk to my parents about it.

It was starting to get late, so I suggested we go back into the city, and asked if they had their IDs. Liam asked me what I had planned and I said the Gay Nineties.

I started to ask Louis and Zayn if they’d be OK going to a gay club, but before I could even finish, Zayn said, “Will you not hide your hand holding from us?”

Liam laughed and before I could defend myself Louis said something about how they know we’re dating and they don’t want us to feel weird. Then Zayn added, “Especially at a gay club.”

I asked if they would feel weird and Louis punched Zayn’s shoulder and asked if he’d be his date. Zayn said sure and made kissy lips in Louis’ direction. I couldn’t stop laughing and I told them they’d have fun, but to “be cool” since Liam and I still had to use our fake IDs.

Liam and I went first and the bouncer barely even glanced at our IDs. It was late enough that it was a decent crowd for a Wednesday night (I guess, I have no idea what a normal Wednesday night is like) and we grabbed some drinks and people watched for a bit. Zayn and Louis seemed a little uncomfortable, but they were trying to be cool with it. I told Louis he was staring and he said he’d never seen so many guys in one spot before. I said that was the point.

Liam and I went to dance and I asked if he thought it was OK that we brought them. He nodded to the side and pointed out that a couple of guys were checking Zayn and/or Louis out, so it was OK to somebody. Ha!

After a while, Zayn and Louis joined us. We all kept mixing it up, dancing with each other and switching partners. When I was dancing with Louis, he told me someone was looking at me and asked if I knew them. I looked, thinking maybe it was someone I’d recognize from the AIDS Project, but it was a tall, cute guy I’ve never seen before.

He smiled at me and nodded and I nodded back and then told Louis I didn’t know who he was. He said he’d been looking at me a lot.

I looked at the guy again and he was watching me again.

Oh my God.

I asked Louis if I had toilet paper on my shoe or something and he laughed and said I was an idiot and was it so hard to think someone else might think I’m cute?

Yes, yes it is, Louis.

Then I couldn’t stop looking at the guy, and that made me feel weird because I love Liam, but the guy was cute, so… And it also made me feel good because I don’t think anyone’s checked me out before Liam.

We stayed at the club pretty late, and then went to Perkins for some pie before we finally headed home. I am positive we were too loud in the restaurant, but the music from the club was still ringing in my ears.

Now it’s really late and I keep yawning, but I also sort of feel wired, like I’m bouncing off the walls and I’m not sure I’ll be able to fall asleep.

I bet getting off will help me conk out.

Too bad I can’t call Liam and listen to his voice while I do it.

 

**Thursday, May 27th**

Oh my God, school was so hard today, even though we didn’t do anything hard, just reviewed for finals.

I was looking forward to watching a movie in Johnson’s class since we’re already done with our final projects. But she had us working on any creative writing of our choosing. I tried writing a short story about four friends surviving the end of the world, and Liam worked on structured poetry. I hated that unit, but he says he likes it, that the challenge is in the rules. (I admit, I don’t get it.)

I was so tired. I still am. Am I too old for a nap before dinner? Fuck.

 

**Friday, May 28th**

We had some assembly this morning, the seniors at least. It was supposed to rouse us into being good citizens or something, some ex-basketball player talking about how we’re the future and agents of change and all that. I didn’t really pay attention, mostly thought about tomorrow night, when Ruth gets into town.

At lunch, we all got our yearbooks. I must say, the senior photos Mom and Dad forced me to do last summer turned out nice, and I like how I look. (Liam’s picture is great!) In the afternoon, classes were canceled and there was an ice cream social so we could sign each other’s books. A bunch of freshman girls asked Zayn to sign their books, and Louis was teasing him over being the star of the school plays. It was pretty funny.

Signing yearbooks is so weird, because I would be with one (or all) of the guys and we’d meet with someone else and everyone else would just start signing books and passing them around. Like, all the people from the casts signed Zayn’s books and I don’t even know most of them, but they signed mine and I signed theirs and I won’t even remember most of these people in a few years. The only reason some of them know me is because of my strange name.

And… That weirdness is how we ended up facing Harry, when we turned around and there he was with his new crew. Rebecca and some other girls and their boyfriends. And of course, the yearbooks all got passed around. It was a little awkward, and we didn’t really make eye contact but nobody else said anything if they noticed.

I wasn’t sure what to write. I finally wrote, “I remember talking about graduating high school together when we were still in elementary school. It’s been a long time, but we finally made it. Congratulations, to one of my oldest friends.”

I haven’t read his note yet.

 

**Sunday, May 30th**

Worked all weekend. Have tomorrow off for Memorial Day. Weather is supposed to be cool, not really warm enough for the beach.

Wish I could see Liam tonight, but Ruth’s home so his family is going out for some nice dinner, and then tomorrow they’ve got plans. I’m gonna see Louis and Zayn, so that’ll be fun.

I’m beat, going to bed early. Is this what being an adult is about? Work and sleep?

 

**Monday, May 31st (Memorial Day)**

Went over to Zayn’s today. We cooked out in his backyard and played video games in his basement, then watched some movies. All in all, a nice day, but I missed Liam.

**Later**

Liam called and told me Ruth is looking forward to meeting me. I’m so nervous. Oh God, what if she doesn’t like me?

He also asked if I’d looked at Harry’s note in my yearbook. I semi-lied and said I hadn’t read all of the notes yet. The truth is I read almost all of the notes as they were written, and the rest later. His is the only one I haven’t read.

I said I would read it and Liam said I should. Huh.

**Later Later**

I read it. I need to sleep. Finals tomorrow.

 

**Tuesday, June 1st (Finals)**

Had half of my finals today. Other half are tomorrow. They weren’t really hard, I’m just ready to be done.

So Harry’s note in the yearbook… In Liam’s he wrote something about being happy he got to know him better and how he was proud of Liam’s work on the newspaper staff and appreciated his “honesty” and that Liam was a good person. Something like that.

In mine he wrote, “Ni, what can I say? You’re one of my oldest friends. We haven’t been able to really sit down and talk in a while. I’m up for it if you are, but I understand if you can’t. Thank you for being my friend for so long, and I wish you luck, happiness and love. You deserve it all.”

I read it and start shaking. I read it to Liam and he said it sounded good, but I’m not sure. ~~Our~~ ~~His~~ That (?) church… Well, sometimes something that seems good isn’t.

Ugh.

I see him tomorrow for the Econ final. Ugh.

 

**Wednesday, June 2 (Finals, last day for seniors)**

At the beginning of class I nodded and said hi to Harry. He smiled and said hi back.

I guess that’s a good sign.

But but but! FINALS ARE DONE! I’M DONE WITH SCHOOL!!

And I meet Ruth tomorrow. Oh my God, I’m so nervous. So, so, so nervous. It’s gonna be Liam’s whole family, Louis, Zayn, me… Oh God. His sister knows and the guys know but his parents don’t and I keep thinking about how I couldn’t eat pizza when I first met Liam and what if I do something stupid in front of her, like spill food on myself?

(I think… I feel good about Harry. I think. I hope. Hey, God I don’t really believe in, give me some hope.)

 

**Thursday, June 3rd**

We had graduation practice today. God, it took so damn long. Other students weren’t listening, but the principal wasn’t great at giving directions and it’s the same thing every year. Shouldn’t they have it down on how to give us directions? And then this long, long lecture about “proper attire” and how we’re “representing the school, your families, and yourselves.” Well if someone wants to represent themselves in a spaghetti strap top (that won’t even be seen under the gown!), who the hell cares?

There was one… good (interesting?) thing that happened. We had a break and Harry and I ran into each other in the bathroom. He said hi to me and I said hi back. He said something about how dumb practice was and I agreed. Then there was this weird sort of silence and I broke it by asking what his summer plans are. He said his family was going to New York and then said he’d be around a lot of the summer and asked about me. I told him I would mostly be working and said maybe we could meet. He said he hoped so.

I have a good feeling. I can’t describe why. But talking to him face-to-face, I think… Maybe he won’t meet with me just to tell me he’ll pray for me. I dunno. It was awkward and felt strange, but it also wasn’t scary. So. Maybe we’ll meet. Maybe.

OK, now I’ve gotta get ready for dinner with Liam’s family. I wouldn’t be nervous if Ruth didn’t know, but she knows and I’m nervous.

**Later (technically Friday, June 4th)**

I love her! What a relief!

OK, I just got home and took a shower and I should be going to bed, but I don’t have to be at school for graduation until 5:30 tomorrow night, so who cares if I sleep in?

I picked up Zayn and Louis and told them I was “scared as hell” to meet Ruth and told them why. They teased me and talked me down from a cliff, then talked my confidence up. God, they’re good friends. They really made me feel better. Zayn even gave me a breath mint. Haha.

We met Liam’s family at the restaurant and Ruth immediately grabbed me for a hug. She said she’d heard so much about me. Liam looked surprised, but she did the same thing to Zayn and Louis and then he looked a little better. Ha!

Dinner itself was fine, it was a steakhouse and the food was really good!

Liam’s family sat on one side of the table and the three of us sat across from them and I sat between Zayn and Louis, across from Ruth, who sat next to Liam. That was good because I could focus on Ruth but I also felt like I had my friends kind of… I don’t know, holding me up by sitting next to me like that. Whew.

It was like a normal dinner with that many people, you know? It was polite conversation at first where only one person talked at a time. Liam’s parents have met Louis and Zayn the times we’ve all hung out, or after Zayn’s plays, but they didn’t know where they’re going to college, that sort of thing. And then the conversation started breaking into smaller side conversations. It was a nice mix, and I felt comfortable. The only thing that would’ve made it better is if I could’ve touched Liam, but that’s OK.

We talked a lot, until the restaurant closed. Out in the parking lot, Ruth said she wasn’t ready to go home and said she wanted to “get to know Liam’s friends.” His parents said they were beat and asked if I was OK dropping Liam and Ruth off later. I said of course, and the five of us piled into my car.

I asked where we were going and Ruth said anywhere we could talk. Liam suggested Café Zev and I laughed. Louis asked what that was and Liam told him and Zayn asked if there would be as many shirtless guys as there was at the Gay Nineties.

Liam said, “I have no idea. I’ve never been to the Nineties, since I’m seventeen and all.” He said the last part through gritted teeth while glaring at Zayn.

Ruth laughed and said, “Aww, does my baby brother have a fake ID?”

Liam got defensive and said he wasn’t her “baby brother” and oh my God, I have never seen him act like that. It was kind of cute. He was sort of pouty and it was hilarious.

We went to Café Zev and sat down in a corner. Ruth asked us to tell her all about Liam’s senior year “since he barely talks to me when I call.”

Zayn and Louis and I started talking, sort of threading stories together and it was weird, remembering all of the last year. All of the conversations we’ve had at lunch and Zayn’s plays and Liam’s stories in the paper, and Louis’ photography and how he would have us be his subjects and models. (Harry came up and Ruth asked why he wasn’t there, too. Louis said he was busy and that was an easy answer.)

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who knows Liam, but they know him too, and it felt good to listen to them talk about him. Like… I don’t know what I’m trying to say. But I always knew Liam was a great guy. It was nice to hear them say it, too.

I had to go to the bathroom, and when I came back, the table got kind of quiet. I asked what was up, Liam patted my knee and squeezed my hand under the table and said nothing to worry about.

Zayn sipped his coffee and Louis looked away and I said, “So you were talking about me?”

Louis shrugged and Zayn nodded and I tried to smile but my stomach got all nervous and I asked what they said. Ruth had a little smile on her face and said, “Liam?”

Liam held my hand and rested his head on my shoulder for just a second, just enough to make me sort of melt. Then he said that Louis and Zayn had talked about how I was a good person, and how happy they were I found him.

I held up my cup like a toast and thanked Louis and Zayn, and the spell kind of broke and we all relaxed. We talked and talked until Zayn started looking at his watch. It was really late and we decided we should probably go home.

On the drive home, I took the long way. Louis pointed out some of the buildings in the skyline to Ruth and Zayn played with the radio. Liam was quiet, and I was too, because I just felt good. Like, just… good.

I dropped off Louis and Zayn and said something like, “Guess you’re next.”

Ruth asked if I was tired and I said not really. She asked if maybe the three of us could talk just a little more. She said that she felt like the three of us hadn’t gotten much breathing room, “as great at Zayn and Louis and Mom and Dad are.”

I loved Ruth in that moment.

I told her all I had to do was call Mom and Dad to tell them where I was, and I immediately drove us to Perkins.

We asked for a booth away from everyone and while they got seated, I called Mom from the pay phone. She told me to have fun and be safe and to be sure to lock the door when I got in. When I got to the booth, Liam and Ruth were sitting across from each other. Liam immediately jumped up and let me slide in so I was closest to the window on his side.

We ordered pie and pop and when the waitress left, Ruth looked across the table and said, “Niall, it is really nice to meet you.”

I said it was nice to meet her too.

She asked if we were comfortable talking there. It was late enough that the restaurant wasn’t too busy and we were tucked away and I said yes, and she said something like, “I’ve heard about you from Liam.” She smiled at him and said, “But why would you like this dork?”

Liam and I both burst out laughing and I said I had liked him from the first time he’d had lunch with us, and that I thought he was cute. Then I told her that he was smart, and funny, and we had a lot in common.

Her face sort of got soft looking and she said she was glad to hear it. She asked a lot about my family, and my writing and the conversation meandered all over the place, with some serious questions, and some not so serious questions, and a lot of laughing.

We stayed there for hours, until all three of us were yawning and Ruth said she needed her beauty sleep.

I tried to pay for our order, but Ruth took over and told me not to worry about it. That was really nice of her.

In the parking lot, Ruth gave me a big hug and said, “Let’s do this here since it might be weird at my house.” She told Liam to get in the car. He said she was being silly and she said she was being a big sister. (Ruth is kind of sassy!)

He mouthed ‘sorry’ to me and got into the car. I smiled at him.

It was a little breezy and I shivered. She held my shoulders and looked right at me. She said, “Thank you. I know how important you are to my baby brother, and I can tell you— and Louis and Zayn, too—but you… You are a good guy.”

I didn’t want to cry, but I think she could tell I was going to. She hugged me again and whispered, “He really loves you. I hope you know that.”

I said, “I love him too.”

She hugged me tighter and said, “I know. That’s why I thanked you.”

I started crying them and she did, too, and we both sort of started giggling. Liam knocked on the window and asked if we were OK. We both nodded and wiped our eyes. She apologized because my glasses were a mess and my shirt sleeve only made it worse. I told her I was used to it and we both giggled again and she said we should sleep.

In Liam’s driveway, Ruth said she’d leave the front door unlocked, and she went inside. Liam said his parents must be asleep because their lights were off. A small lamp went on in the living room, and then Ruth’s light went on in her bedroom.

I asked him how he thought the night had gone and he took a deep breath and said he thought it went well. I said I thought so too. I told him I loved him, and he said he loved me. I patted his knee, like we always do.

He glanced at the house and then leaned over and kissed me, long and slow.

I closed my eyes and I touched his chest and kissed him back. It was late, and nobody was around, and maybe it should have still felt like hiding, but it didn’t.

It felt so good.

It still feels good. I can feel his hand on my cheek and his lips on mine, his tongue behind my teeth. I can hear him saying I love you, and the heat of his skin lingers in my fingertips. I can smell the Starbursts he always eats, the ones we were betting with the very first time we kissed.

And now here I am.

It’s past three am, and I’m so tired my eyes are watering, and I will be done with my senior year before the end of the day.

I will walk across a stage and grab a rolled up piece of paper. My real diploma will be mailed to me when they’re done grading finals. I will work this summer and Harry and I will talk, I think. Liam and Louis and Zayn and I will decide if we’re going to live together in college. I will go to the U, and it will be OK, even if it wasn’t my first choice. And I’ll do it with Liam, and we’ll go to our first Pride later this month, and we’ll be surrounded by people like us, and we’ll keep volunteering at the AIDS Project, because it matters.

The school year is over, and that means this journaling assignment is too. I only have a few sheets left now, so I think I’ll fill them with photos and receipts and ticket stubs. I’ll go buy a new journal tomorrow. Start my life as a high school graduate on a fresh page.

There’s something else, too. And I know this probably seems like… I don’t know… youthful idealism (sure, that works), but…

I love Liam and he loves me and we’re starting to tell people about us. The ones we care about and love, the ones who care about and love us, too.

We’re together, and I think we’re going to stick together, love each other for a long time. And now we’re not hiding from everyone we know, and I think that deserves a fresh page, too.

So I’m signing off, for the last time, as—

Niall James Horan

Senior

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you [@myownsparknow](https://myownsparknow.tumblr.com) and [@louandhazaf](https://louandhazaf.tumblr.com) for the betaing. I love how you both get why these two matter.
> 
> The title comes from "Slide" by the Goo Goo Dolls. All of the locations in this fic existed in 1999, although some no longer do.
> 
> Come visit me on [Tumblr](https://gettingaphdinmomo.tumblr.com)!


End file.
